Oh No They Didn’t: Friday’s Review Rage

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Captivity
Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Critics seem to think Canadian super-hottie Elisha Cuthbert is responsible for the downfall of Western civilization. Oh, wait. No. That would be her movie, Captivity, which wasn’t even screened for American critics.

"Sitting through torture: If you want to see the sexy blonde from 24 (Elisha Cuthbert) held captive in a dungeon by a psycho and subjected to various disgusting torments, then rush to see Captivity. Alternately, seek psychiatric help." — The Sunday Times

"When Jennifer [Cuthbert] is being force-fed a bloody cocktail of liquidised eyeballs and ears, we are genuinely choked up about it. The film’s clunky point-of-view shift and obviously re-shot climax are likely to have you choking in disbelief." — Time Out London

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Diddy Wants You (To Get Him Cheesecake)

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Are you unemployed? Looking to try a new line of work? Are you "the best"? Then you just might be Diddy‘s new assistant. The man of many monikers is in search of a new assistant, and all you have to do is upload a three-minute video to the Internet to apply. Though Diddy’s call to apply has a home-made, late-night, north-Jersey-furniture-showroom-commercial feel to it, one has to imagine that the man has money to spend, but there’s no word on compensation. And while you may not have a 401K, chances are you stand to gain a cast-off nickname and all the Sean John clothing you can wear out of the office. Check out some of the applicants here.

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Friday: The Beckhams Take LA by Storm; Paris Lets Someone Else Do The Driving

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Posh
The Beckhams Arrive in LA in Style
The British super family officially arrived in Los Angeles last night to take the city by storm with their soccer moves and skinny jeans. We can’t wait to criticize their every move. [NY Post]

Brit: No Lovin’ from Bodyguard?
After reports that the pop star and her bodyguard were getting cozy, a source close to the mysterious Daimon says there’s no love between the two. He’s just there to protect Britney and watch her kids -sounds like the perfect man! [People]

James Blunt Sold Sister on eBay?
Yep, the sensitive rocker claims that he sold his sister on eBay to help her get to a funeral in Ireland. Even weirder – the winner of the auction not only flew his sis to the ceremony, but they started dating and are marrying this summer. Brits be crazy! [People]

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Jessica Simpson: Changing Faces?

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When asked about plastic surgery in the August issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Jessica Simpson replies, "I’ve had none."

Uh, yeah. Not really buying that one. Credit where it’s due, though, she specifically says her boobs are real.

That’s plausible, unless she got them done when she was, like, 20. Although given her father: maybe.

[USA Today / Image credit: Getty]

Blog Best-Of: Bobby’s Boozing

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Bobby_links- Bobby Brown has reportedly fallen off the wagon. Now, to capitalize on it, all he needs is a reality TV crew and Whitney Houston back in his life. Go get ‘em, Bobbay! [Dlisted]

- Penelope Cruz looks good without makeup. You know what that means: more lipstick for Salma! [CityRag]

- Eve is rumored to have been spotted with a female prostitute. If this is true, I’m leaving planet Earth: I don’t want to live in a world in which someone as hot as Eve has to p-pay-pay for vajayjay. [CONCRETELOOP]

- Claire Daines is headed for Broadway. I’m headed in the opposite direction. Funny how that works. [Celebitchy]

- Charm School‘s Mo’Nique and a few big girls don body paint to promote Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance. A two-ton vat of peanut butter wouldn’t be ready for this jelly. [Crunk + Disorderly]

Paris Wants You in Her Pants

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Paris_hillton_jeans_2
Self-described "business woman" Paris Hilton is about to launch a new venture: her own jean line. That’s right, soon we’ll all be able to get into Paris’ pants – for a price. The heiress reportedly met with Macy’s yesterday to discuss the project, and apparently they were thrilled with the collection. The best part is – items from her line have already debuted. Remember those dark skinny jeans Paris wore as she paraded out of the clink? Yup, you guessed it – directly from The Paris Hilton House of Hot Denim (not really the line’s name). See, she hasn’t changed a bit – never a wasted opportunity with this one. If you need hair extensions, you should probably also check out Hilton’s new line of fake locks. All you need is a bad case of claustrophobia and a bag of pot and you’ll look just like Paris!

Don’t Mess with T.I.

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Ti_2
He may have the number one record on this week’s Billboard Top 200, but don’t think that makes T.I. any more relaxed. The hip hop star was in the middle of a performance at an ESPY Awards pre-party in Los Angeles on Tuesday and when a fan got in his way, he struck – literally. After a cup was thrown at the rapper he apparently jumped offstage and barged out into the audience, where he popped the culprit in the face with his mic. Stars such as Hilary and Haylie Duff were in attendance, and it would have been so much more exciting had one of them been the cup thrower. That mic smack could’ve been like a free nose job! Check out the pic on the right taken just a day after the tussle at the awards show. T.I. sure does clean up real good post-brawl. [TMZ]

Courtney Celebrates 43 by Trashing Hotel

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Alterna-mistress and original riot grrrl Courtney Love turned 43 in London this week, and celebrated her birthday by trashing her room at the Covent Garden Hotel. That’s right: She’s 43. And she trashed her hotel room. An "insider" told ITV News: "Staff said the room was left in a right state — like a wild animal had been let loose in there. She has used the place as an ashtray with butts strewn about and burn marks all over the bed, carpet and upholstery. I feel sorry for whoever had to clean it up." Nice going, Court. You’ve certainly become the poster-child for maturity. If you, dear readers, can’t get enough of her, check the disturbingly lucid inteview footage above. It’s fascinating in that plastic-surgery-disaster sort of way.

Moz: Madonna Is Murder?

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MozIf this was 1988, this would be the biggest news story ever: Former Smiths frontman Morrissey (and vehement vegetarian) slammed fur-loving pop star Madonna, claiming Madge adopted her son, two-year-old orphan David Banda, in order to make a jacket out of him. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him…for 15 minutes, and then threw it away,” said the famously dyspeptic singer. In the past, Moz has gone after his own band, George Michael and David Bowie, as well as mope rock king Robert Smith. Smith famously committed to eating meat, simply because Morrissey doesn’t. Way to gather support, Moz.

Only the Strong Survive: World Series of Pop Culture Recap

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Truffle
And now, a special dispatch from World of Pop blogger Mark Graham:

Back in February, over 10,000 people tested their Pop Culture Intelligence Quotient (PCIQ) at VH1.com. Of all those entrants, three complete strangers were chosen to compete in the 2007 World Series of Pop Culture for their extremely high scores and trivia fortitude. Tod, Kyle and Lucien are the savants that make up Almost Perfect Strangers 2.0. In the first match of last night’s competition, they took on the Truffle Shuffles (pictured above, hailing from New York, by way of Florida) — and won.

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