Is it us, or do Lindsay’s rehab spots just keep getting cushier? All the treatment places she holes up in – Wonderland, Promises – sound more like daycare centers than a place for adults to kick addictions. Now she’s apparently up for round three at the Cirque Lodge, which judging from pics, looks like a five star wilderness palace. A stint at this joint supposedly starts at $30,000 and boasts in-room jacuzzis and fireplaces, horseback riding, massage, and hydro therapy, and of course, a hair salon with manicures. So she can repair the nails she once used to cut up coke with, presumably. Here’s what a day in the life of re-rehabbing Lilo must look like:
12 PM: Wake up.
2 PM: Wake up for real.
2:15 PM: Order an omelet of quail eggs, fresh goat’s cheese, hand picked basil and gold flakes from room service.
3:00 PM: Pet a horse.
3:05 PM: Get manicure and massage to rid body of horse smell.
4:00 PM: Make an “I Hate Paris Hilton” collage in art therapy class from old Us Weekly magazines.
5: 00 PM: Group therapy shopping spree.
7:00 PM: Pick a buffalo out on the horizon, have chef hunt it for dinner.
7:45 PM: Yell at chef because the buffalo isn’t tender enough, god damn it.
7:46 PM: Lick plate clean.
8:30 PM: Jacuzzi party!
9:00 PM: In bed in time for So You Think You Can Dance.
Click the thumbnails below to see them full size.
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Celebrity Bad Girls
Just a normal day of looniness in La La Land: Charlie Sheen revealed yesterday that his ex-wife Denise Richards has asked him to help her get pregnant with a child – even though they’re getting a divorce. Apparently she made “a request for a donation,” which the Two and a Half Men star is now using in his custody battle with his ex-wife. Ewww – it’s like she wants a little party favor to remind her of all their good times. Couldn’t she get some other Hollywood schlub to volunteer for the job? That’s like asking your dog to crap in the house…or something equally as wrong. Denise of course denies it, but her ex claim to have the request in writing. When asked if he’d comply, Sheen replied, “I would sooner, in exactly what I’m wearing, walk on the surface of the moon. Does that answer it?”
Yep. Yep it does. But here’s an astronaut helmet, just in case. [Image: Getty]
VH1 All Access: Cutest Celebrity Babies
Beyoncé‘s meddling father, Matthew Knowles, is springing to his daughter’s defense over a few disparaging words. It seems that he took exception to the New York Daily News‘ review of his daughter’s show that took place this weekend at Madison Square Garden — the News‘ Jim Farber said the show left him feeling “pummeled” and compared Bey to a “bionic woman.” Though Farber’s words are hardly scathing, Matthew still found it necessary to respond, reportedly shooting off an email to the News that read:
“After over 60 dates and 20 countries, only you have chosen to write a negative review!“
First of all, he’s wrong: the review that ran in the New York Post was much more savage, saying Bey “screeched,” calling her a “snooze” during the ballads and suggesting that lip-synching would have been a preferable alternative to her “cringe-inducing” rendition of “Ring the Alarm.” Harsh! But second of all: SHUT UP, MATTHEW KNOWLES. For the most part, his story checks out — the reviews of The Beyoncé Experience have been, by and large, glowing. So a few people didn’t think so: who cares? His daughter’s been ruling pop music for almost a decade — does he really need a reminder that not everyone’s going to enjoy her work? And really, how bad can you feel for someone who could dry their tears with crisp $100 dollar bills and think nothing of it? [New York Daily News / Image credit: Getty]
Box Set: Beyonce
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This is the story of, Whitestarr, a band given the heady charge of resurrecting rock n’ roll. In addition to the obstacles an up-and-coming band might face, the task proves even more difficult, given that rock hasn’t necessarily died. Our scene is set in picturesque Malibu, California, where the band, who put out a record on Atlantic three years ago, have been honing their craft, living the privileged life of rock stars, without the whole being rock stars part.
Who put the idea in celebrities’ heads that we want junky products with their names and faces all over the packaging? I can’t think of anything I need less than his and her fragrances from a smelly soccer player and his bone n’ boob wife (okay – and a few things that involve medical attention). But the couple’s perfumes are on the way to the States, and “industry analysts” estimate that the ‘Intimately Beckham’ fragances (you probably just puked a little when you heard that name) and David’s other cologne, ‘Instinct by David Beckham,’ will generate $100 million in worldwide sales in this year alone. You just puked again, huh. Me too. Maybe perfume is just the start for Posh n’ Becks! Here are some other products the couple could hawk that America probably wouldn’t mine splurging on:
- Discreetly Beckham: His and Her Bikini Line Wax
- Harmoniously Beckham: His and Her New Age Relaxation CDs
- Deceitfully Beckham: His and Her Private Cell Phones and Secret Email Addresses for Stress Free Adultery [E Online. Image: Getty]
Hot Shots: Cool Pics From Celebville
Operating under the somewhat logical premise that “funk will get you laid,” Seth Rogan‘s story for the upcoming Superbad is teeming with some deep-ass grooves. Funk kingpins Bootsy Collins and Clyde Stubblefield connect with some of their old pals from James Brown‘s band to create the movie’s dirty-minded mood. Here’s a glimpse at what went down the in studio. Jump back and kiss your bad self if you start to feel it. You going to see this movie?
Superbad Movie Page
Superbad Production Stills
Just when you’d totally forgotten about that wacko paternity case that Chris Rock found himself embroiled in earlier this year, the DNA test results are in! And Chris is cleared! He and his wife, Malaak, have released a statement on the matter:
“Last week it was concluded through DNA testing that Chris is not the father of [Kali] Bowyer’s son. We have spent a tremendous sum to litigate this case and are asking our attorney to pursue all legal remedies against her. Additionally, we would like for any monies Ms. Bowyer has taken from the tabloid media based on this false story to be donated to Bulloch County, GA charities for the benefit of disadvantaged boys and girls.“
Yeah, that’ll happen the minute they can wrestle Kali away from the diaper aisle, where she’s hobbing with that astronaut lady. But for real: congrats, Chris! May your sperm, or lack thereof, continue to smile good fortune upon you. [TMZ.com]
Chris Rock’s Actor Page
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The official ad for Mariah Carey‘s M fragrance has hit the Net…
…and it’s sort of sad that she would have been better off going with the fake one. Note to Mariah: next time, take your cues from Schatar. Seriously — what is she supposed to be in that ad? A rock formation?
The worst thing about the ad is that it’s so eager to convince you that Mariah is younger than she is, and yet it can’t even decide on a fake age. The ad suggests that Mariah is simultaneously:
- 27 - The in-the-water motif is sooooo “My All” video, which came out about 10 years ago. It’s as though Mariah never left the water! Swimmer’s ear is so sexy and fragrant.
- 12 - No wrinkles? Ridiculously smooth skin? Summer-camp slick hairdo? Check, check, check. She’ll always be our eternally pubescent baby.
- 6 months – Her butt is smooth as a baby’s. Even worse: that Photoshop-enhanced forehead is, in a word, fetal. Are they trying to tell us that M smells like babies? I repeat: sexy and fragrant. [Mariah Daily Journal]
Mariah Carey’s Artist Page
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Hip Hop Mix Tape: August 2007
MTV’s uber-popular show returns for a third season next week, and the trash talking and cat fighting leading up to it is out of control! After Lauren spoke out about her former BFF in Us Weekly, Spencer and Heidi have been throwing it right back wherever and whenever they can. Spencer recently ranted about Lauren on his personal message board, calling her “the famous Boyfriend stealer,” among other way worse – and hilarious – things. Just yesterday the couple continued their verbal beat-down during a radio interview (Listen HERE), in which Heidi nails Lauren as a “lowlife” while Spencer laughs at her fashion line endeavors. Like, meow. Lauren needs to take off her headband, pop her claws out and fight back! Or get on her message board and realllllly let it rip.
It was only a matter of time before the BFF’s illegal hijinks got turned into a porno flick, and no, we’re not talking about One Night in Paris. Esteemed thespians Sindee Jennings and Aubrey Addams (there’s something SO sexy about how those names are misspelled!) will star in Paris and Nicole Go to Jail, which follows the two locked-up LA brats as they discover “that life is different on the inside, and at first have trouble adapting, but soon learn how to get things in prison by becoming friendly with the warden, the guards, the inmates.”
“Friendly.” We get it. Sounds sextastic! May we suggest a claustrauphobia-fueled Paris panic attack that can only be cured by a threesome? We’re sure those crusty old dudes who nominate films for the Academy Awards will love the raw honesty of such a scene. We smell a winner – or maybe it’s just all that baby oil. [TMZ. All Images: Getty]
Find out what Paris and Nicole have really been up to this summer by clicking the pics below.
Nick and Vanessa’s X-Rated Jacuzzi Jaunt
Kim Kardashian: Freaky In The Bedroom?
Hottest Make Out Scenes
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