With TomKat, Jenna Makes Three

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Note to famous Scientologists: When you talk about other Scientologists, we don’t believe you. We know you have an agenda to seem as normal as possible, to make up for the aliens and niacin and such.

And so, it is with ease that I call bullstuff on Jenna Elfman‘s recent comments on her Scientologist brethren Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. "Honestly, they’re happy. They have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that. They must put in things other than the simplicity of it." These "things" include gossip like Tom ordering Katie to mommy school, Tom stalking Katie as she works, Tom’s general tyranny over the relationship, and mass speculation that the entire relationship is a sham (those pesky gay rumors!).

But anyway, as far as Jenna’s words go: Lies!

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Friday: Baldwin’s Apology and Spector’s Pistol Whip

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Baldwin2 Baldwin Apologizes on National TV
The actor was welcomed with an applause on "The View" today and gave a heartfelt tale of what drove him over the edge. He probably just has the temper of a warthog. Oink. Oink. [CNN]

Spector’s Ex: I Was Pistol Whipped
The rock producer allegedly bashed his ex-girlfriend in the head while drunk and made her strip at gunpoint. Order in the court! [Reuters]

Fan Tries to Kill Bullock’s Hubby
A woman obsessed with Sandra Bullock tried to run the star’s husband over with her Benz repeatedly. [People]

Are Eve and Sean Penn an Item?
The media speculates as the married actor gave her a shoulder to cry on and offered to bail her out of jail for 30k. Would we give them the moniker of Penn-E or E.S.P.? [NY Daily News]

‘Idol’ Raises $60 Million for Charity
While many say the two-hour special didn’t live up to the hype, it inspired thousands across the world to fight poverty. [Yahoo!]

[Image Source: Getty Images]

Shhh . . . Undercover Brit Bounces Back

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Britney’s comeback is happening faster than you might think. Fresh off whatever miracle diet/workout is available only to L.A. royalty, the disgraced former queen of teen pop is apparently on a House of Blues tour, starting next week in Anaheim. According to Interweb sources, she’ll be playing some old stuff and some new stuff, and she’s booked under the name the M + M’s. Is this because she loves junk food?

Darth Vader Hates You & Your Celly

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It’s no Celine Dion-Elvis duet — what is, though, really? — but it is Darth Vader strangling an obnoxious movie talker. There’s something extremely gratifying about that. Maybe it’s just that it’s Friday (so thanks, Rolling Stone.) Or maybe it’s that, geez, cellphones are irritating. What do you think?

Jones: No Sex / Cam: Jay’s “Old”

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070426_mike_jones Phony Jones Bones
Mike Jones has denied appearing in an online sex tape. The proof? Dude on the tape’s got no tats, snitches! (SOHH)

It Takes a Nation to Hold Snoop Back
Making like England, Australia has banned Snoop Dogg. “He doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country,” said an official rep. (AllHipHop)

Knight Protects Lady Britney
Suge Knight went after a K-Fed lookalike to defend the honor of … Britney Spears??? (TMZ)

Cam Apologizes!
Cam’ron offered up an apology for his killer interview on 60 Minutes (SOHH)

Cam Attacks!
Cam’ron calls Jay-Z and Nas old men and says they need to go back to the nursing home. Seriously, does this guy get along with anybody? (Prefix)

Blog Best-Of: Tyra’s Tip

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Tyra_links- Tyra Banks gives back…to the restaurant and waiter she recently stiffed. What a humanitarian. [Crunk + Disorderly]

- Justin Timberlake‘s wax doppelganger is approximately 5,000 times more soulful than he is. [I'm Not Obsessed]

- Pam Anderson returns to her Baywatch roots. This time, with added buoyancy! [The Superficial]

- Memo to Britney Spears: Wear pants. [Just Jared]

- According to People, Drew Barrymore is most beautiful. According to people, her voice is not. [Best Week Ever]

Dave Navarro Goes Gimp

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Former Chili Pepper, Rock Star: Supernova star and Carmen Electra-doer Dave Navarro has announced plans to host his own weekly hour-long Internet show, which will premiere May 17. Called Spread Entertainment, Navarro described it as a “looser version of Donahue in a nightclub.” Yes, audience members will be able to ask guests questions. But guests will be chosen on the basis of their appeal, not whether or not they’re hawking a book, album or movie. “I want to use the Internet to support artists and see things that are out there that other corporate structures aren’t allowing us to see,” Navarro says. He’s not kidding. Check out his video playlist (after the jump). If you let it go awhile, you’ll get to see the ad he shot in night-vision where he’s trussed up and groaning with a ball-gag in his mouth. Just another day in the life.

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Sanjaya’s Straight Story

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Sanjaya Malakar, the American Idol reject who just won’t go away already, has revealed something that should come as a shock to those with their five senses in tact: he’s straight. Whatever gets you through the day and/or world, Sandy.

The 17-year-old Sanjayjay says that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was "clingy" and that, like most sensitive guys, he’s been misunderstood.

"I got teased in school because people figured I must be gay because I understand women. I think that’s why guys didn’t like me – because I got along with girls so well. When I went up to girls they would give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek like I was their gay friend. But I was the straight guy that understood them."

Harumph.

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Hugh’s Beans: Not So Cool

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Hugh Grant has been arrested for his weirdest reason yet: on Tuesday he spazzed out at a paparazzo, kicking and, most hilariously, throwing baked beans at the photog (check out shots here). Hugh was questioned by London police and released on bail. As gross as lobbing slimy beans at someone is, the photog got off easy. Things would have been much worse had he been sodomized by Hugh’s franks. [Reuters]

Idol: Give Back Our Two Hours

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You know how every year the Oscars are crammed with gratuitous video montages and irrelevant performances when all you really want to see is the announcement of the winners? Well, last night’s episode of American Idol was a lot like that – except all we really wanted to see was the announcement of the loser.

Seriously though, a duet between Celine Dion and Elvis Presley? Jack Black singing Seal‘s “Kiss From a Rose”? An appearance from Tom, “creator” of Myspace? We didn’t need all that. However, it was nice to see Sanjaya again. It was kind of like being comforted by hearing the familiarity of an old song that used to drive you crazy.

Basically, we all got tricked into watching a star-studded, two-hour telethon
when all we really wanted was to hear the voting results, that all
through Wednesday’s show, was promised to be “shocking.” The couple
hours of altruistic sentiments of charity, warm feelings of
togetherness and helping to heal the world seemed like it was building
up for a HUGE let down for whomever would be sent home. However, it
turns out that the big “shocker” was that no one went home, and that
two people will be bounced next week.

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