Thursday: Brit Strips; Jen Gets Played

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John Yells at Jess: "Go Away!"

An exhausted Mayer freaks out on Simpson over the phone, allegedly demanding that she stop calling and texting. [Popcrunch]

Brit Strips Off Clothes for Cash?
The pop star’s been spotted changing outfits multiple times a day. The reason? A rumored deal with a paparazzi house, who can get more dough for each different pic of Brit. [TMZ]

Guard’s Book: Lilo Groped Mariah!
Her former bodyguard’s tell-all reveals that Lindsay supposedly loved the ladies, attacked Jessica Simpson and was dangerous to be around. That sounds about right! [MSNBC]

Read more…

Jen: Don’t Drop the Soap

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Aniston Jennifer Aniston is headed to the slammer. For a film, that is. Brad’s ex recently announced her attachment to Goree Girls, the true story of eight women who were incarcerated during the 1940s, but won the nation’s heart with their country & western performances and received pardons. Jen’s will produce, as well as possibly star, so picture O Brother, Where Art Thou? meets Friends. Hopefully this will be diversion from her alleged deadbeat boyfriend.

Kim To Become Kardashi-cat

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KardashicatIf you haven’t seen Kim Kardashian‘s vagina by now, you’re either blind or religious. Either way: fair enough. If you’re the rare creature that doesn’t fall into the above two categories, here’s a consolation: soon, you’ll get to see Kim’s Pussycat. The woman most famous for her sex tape is said to be in talks to join the Pusscat Dolls‘ Las Vegas review, which has a sort of revolving door policy for celebrity guests (Scarlett Johansson, Christina Aguilera and Eva Longoria have all played in their litter box shared their stage). There are no details of Kim’s supposed PCD stint, but all signs point to it being a temporary gig.

As amusing as this news is, it’s also sort of counterproductive to Kim’s skank factor. Going from hardcore porn to burlesque (or whatever you want to call the PCD’s peen-teasing) is like going from Bergdorf Goodman to Fashion Bug. DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! [TMZ]

But Isn’t Paris Already a Cartoon?

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Even as news breaks of Paris Hilton’s move from the L.A. County jail’s medical ward back to the regular women’s facility, and Barbara Walters announces, crazily, that she wouldn’t mind replacing Rosie O’Donnell with the heiress on The View, comic book overlord Stan Lee is getting in on the action. The Marvel maven (whose Fantastic Four 2 opens tomorrow) is reportedly developing an animated MTV series to star Paris. If you remember the Pamela Anderson Stripperella cartoon, then you’re on the right track. In the meantime, we’re wondering if Stan’s seen Heavy.com’s series Superficial Friends. It’s funny.

Brit’s Brilliant Album Ideas

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Every time Britney updates her website (remember this gem about hitting rock bottom?), I like to imagine her barefoot, locked in a giant computer room at her mansion in Malibu, typing away furiously while shoveling Cheetos in her mouth, and grinning as she types up some crazy rant while her "people" bang on the door begging her to stop. Thankfully, if this scenario is really taking place (oh, I hope so), she’s not listening to anyone but her the voices in her head (or weave). And they’re kind of weird.

Check out her latest masterpiece currently up on Britney Spears.com:

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Can anyone make sense of this mess? I cant, so I’m pretty sure the joke is on me. I’m voting for #2, even though I’m sure we all agree that Omg is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like is quite possibly, like, the greatest, like, album name EVER, like.     

Charm School Extra Credit – Anatomy Lesson

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Hold onto your weaves, because this week’s Charm School extras provide a testosterone injection. The first is an extended cut of Saaphyri’s showdown with Seashell — after he makes his crack about large breasts leading to stretch marks, the stacked Saaphyri busts out, "If you have ding-a-lings that are too big, they don’t get hard all the way. So which category do you fit in?" Fascinating! In the second Becky talks about her trials and tribulations with men — apparently, her appearance on Flavor of Love did not attract the kind of men she’d want to date. Can you believe it!?!

Blog Best-Of: Will’s Willie

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Willsmith_links- Will Smith says the secret to his relationship with Jada Pinkett is "really, really good sex…I’m really good at it." The only thing he’s better at is lying. [Crunk + Disorderly]

- Britney Spears flashes her panties to the world. It’s been so long! It’s like seeing an old, crusty friend that smells like poop. [The Superficial]

- Victoria Beckham‘s reality TV show forces her to get a life. Too bad it’s still boring. [CityRag]

- Who has nicer breasts than Beyoncé? Jay-Z does! Jay-Z does! [Just Jared]

- Shar Jackson denies the K-Fed baby rumor that circulated earlier today. Bad move, Shar: you just gave herself an attention abortion. [Dlisted]

[Image: Getty]

Akon Sings His Apology

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Akon
has come forward to apologize for that whole underaged girl-humping fiasco – and a bunch of other things – in song. Seriously. The controversial crooner’s new jam leaked on Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show, and you can listen to it here.

There’s no mention of Akon’s stage throw victim, so keep your fingers crossed for a second sappy forgiveness-seeking ballad. And remember, the next time something goes incredibly wrong, put the blame on Akon. It’s what he wants.

Paris: Cosmetic Surgery Quickie

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Paris was only under house arrest for a few hours last Friday, but she managed to get in some quality time with – who else – a plastic surgeon. Dr. Steven Hoefflin serves the Hilton clan as a family doctor (ie: he advises them on their nose jobs) and was seen leaving Hilton’s manse in the early morning hours. Who knows what P was up too – Botox shots only take a couple minutes!

Meanwhile, View host Barbara Walters and her producer Bill Geddie threw down on the journalist’s Sirius radio show when asked by a listener if Paris would ever be considered as a co-host. After Geddie answered "No," Barbara shot him down with "Let me answer that: Yes." Meow! Go get him old tiger!

Barbara seemed less into the idea when asked about it later, but you never know! At least Hilton’s face will look hot. As for what she’d actually contribute? Well, she’s probably really good at talking about herself, so that’s a start.