Oh No They Didn’t: Friday’s Reviews Rage


nanny-diaries1.jpgEvery week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: The film adaptation of The Nanny Diaries, a roman-a-clef about a young woman (Scarlett Johansson) who tends to the children of an obscenely wealthy Manhattan family and falls in love with a Harvard hunk (Chris Evans), isn’t just execrable. Apparently it’s so far beyond insulting, it’s got liberal standard-bearer The Village Voice arguing for the rights of employers everywhere. Enjoy the irritating fantasy, audiences!

“A grim slog . . . a display of chick-flick clichés through the ages.” — New York

“Boss hate . . . has become something of a literary cottage industry in recent years, with the appearance of several surprise bestsellers about the disgruntled underlings of the rich and famous (or the merely rich), most of which are so fatally predictable in their imperious bile-spewing as to make you wonder when some CEO will counter the trend with the scandalous memoir The Assistant Shows Up Late, Makes Personal Calls on Company Time, and Is Delusional Enough to Think That I Should Actually Care About Her Feelings.” — The Village Voice

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Rock on TV – The Shortlist


jay-z.jpgJonesing for music on your television set? Don’t know what to watch? Love to see your favorite musicians tied up in absurd plots? Well, then, you’ve come to the right place, rockers! Check out our shortlist below. For more extensive listings, read VH1′s Rock on TV schedule daily.

  • Forbes’ Top 20 Hip-Hop Cash Kings, Friday, 3 p.m. (EST), E!: Do you like loot? Do you like to watch other people make the moola? Are you dying to know which modern rapper is positively lousy with dough? Tune in. Here’s a hint: His name rhymes with Cray-Z. And he’s worth eleventy-billion-million dollars!
  • Tapeheads, Friday, 10 p.m. (EST), Fuse: It’s the original spoof to end all spoofs, starring Tim Robbins before he got all political and John Cusak when he was still friends with that guy from Entourage. The two play bumbling music-video makers. They meet a cast of weirdos along the way, including Fishbone, Ted Nugent and Jello Biafra. But if you’re actually at home watch this on a Friday night, we suggest you get help. Or a LavaLife account.

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Blog Best-Of: Keyshia’s Conjecture


keyshia_links.jpg- Keyshia Cole names her new album, Just Like You. Frankly, I’m kind of insulted. [Crunk + Disorderly]

- How is a pack of Newports like a man? It’s hard on the outside, doesn’t say much, and New York loves having it in her lap. [Bossip]

- American Gladiators is coming back. And so is homoeroticism to the unsuspecting! [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

- Remy Ma turned up uninvited to Vivica A. Fox‘s birthday party. The guy who turned her away has balls. (And maybe a bulletproof vest.) [A Socialite’s Life]

- The “Obama Girl” is set to pose for Playboy. See how Internet stardom can be the key to unlocking your dreams? [Dlisted]

[Image: Getty]

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Hottie of the Week: Hayden Panettiere


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Happy birthday, Hayden. This is the week that the Heroes starlet turned 18. It’s also the week that the first season of her superpowered TV show comes out on DVD. On the small screen she plays Claire Bennett, an indestructible Texas cheerleader, but in real-life, the actress is very much larger-than-life. Hayden’s basically been working since she was in the womb, and she’s comfortable with fame. Comfortable enough to tell David Letterman, for instance, that, “I don’t think much changes when you’re 18 — maybe the way people treat you. But I think the only things I can do is buy cigarettes, porn and, if I get in trouble with the law, I’m kind of screwed.”

Nice to see that she’s so civic-minded. In actuality, she did spend her birthday registering to vote. For such a tiny little blonde person, she’s got oodles of charisma. (Another favorite quote: After Heroes was picked up for a full season in 2006, she bought a Porsche Cayenne SUV and told Entertainment Weekly, “I almost ran over Kanye West this morning.” Good going!) Check out our full gallery of Hayden pics here.

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Lindsay Lohan’s No Felon


lindsay082307.jpgThe LA County District Attorney has finally filed charges against the road raging Lindsay Lohan, and the starlet appears to be getting off easy. Boooooooo. The charges are seven misdemeanors, including two counts of driving under the influence. No felonies were brought against the star for the cocaine that was found in her car, her pants and her bloodstream, which was “below the .05 grams required by office policy for felony filing.” So what does that mean, the coke had worn off? She probably drove into the curb trying to snort a fresh line. If Linds is found guilty of both DUIs she faces up to four days in jail (we hear Nicole Richie needs a cellmate!), and it sounds like they went easy on Linds because she’s young, effed up and has been in rehab three times. A source told TMZ, “Prosecutors in this county see a lot of kids in crisis. There are lots of kids struggling with addiction. The first sign of trouble usually involves a car. We’re not going to throw every one of them in prison. It doesn’t make sense.”

So jail her for making that craptastic stripper murder movie. That makes a whole lot of sense to us. [TMZ. Image: Getty]

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White Rapper Gets a Sister



There’s a new season spin-off of last winter’s hit MC competition Ego Trip’s The (White) Rapper Show brewing and this time, it’s all about the ladies. The as-yet-untitled sister series will search for a great, white and female hip-hop hope. There are no details yet on when the show is set to hit the air — in fact, it hasn’t even filmed yet. Producers will be holding open auditions starting Saturday, Aug. 25 in Chicago at Dave and Busters (address: 1030 North Clark) from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Interested ladies should bring a photo, a bio and a CD with three tracks. If you don’t hail from Chi-town, don’t worry: future auditions are planned for Philadelphia, Atlanta, Miami and Los Angeles. For more info, email rapper@vh1staff.com.

We couldn’t be more excited to cover a show that has the potential to be Flavor of Love in iambic pentameter. Maybe the all-girl slant on this is retribution for the fact that Persia was completely and utterly robbed last season.

UPDATE: The competition is for female rappers of all races, not just white women, as previously reported. See how that works? First season was white, second is girls…maybe the third will be animals? MC Skat Kat, get ready for career resuscitation!

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Justin Reminds Britney Who’s In Charge


jtmadge082307.jpgBritney’s ex may be teaming up with Madonna to one up Britney’s comeback at the VMAs. Apparently it’s just a sweet rumor right now, but Madonna is reportedly “interested,” according to an E! Online source. This coupling would surely outshine whatever creepy magic show Britney is planning on doing with Criss Angel. What would you rather see – Madonna and JT rocking the house or Criss Angel pulling Brit out of a hat as her new depressing song plays? Plotting a comeback is gonna to be a lot harder than Brit thought, especially since her peers spent the last few years building careers – not ruining them. [Image: Getty]

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R. Kelly Believes He Can Fly the Coop


rkelly_trial.jpgIf you think the continued roll-out of chapters in R. Kelly‘s “Trapped in the Closet” saga is insane, here’s something that’s crazier than crazy: R. Kelly reportedly plans to hit the road in October. The nutty part? His kiddie-porn trial doesn’t begin till Sept. 17.

R. Kelly’s camp hasn’t confirmed the tour — in fact, it was his supposed tourmate Keyshia Cole who let the news slip in an otherwise unrelated interview. MTV News points out that assuming that the trial lasts a standard four weeks, this gives him little time to rehearse. And, oh yeah, it also assumes he’ll get off innocent. Booking a tour the size that Kells’ will undoubtedly be when you don’t know if the headliner will be in jail or not is about as risky as filming your famous ass having sex with a minor and hoping that it won’t leak. But then, it would seem that Kells is a gambling man. [MTV News via Idolator]

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Paris Hilton Pays Up for Lying


paris082307.jpgIt’s always sweet joy when Paris Hilton gets nailed for her trouble making. Remember those three wonderful weeks in June? This time our heiress extraordinaire has reportedly forked over more than $2 million dollars to settle out of court with Zeta Graff. You may remember Graff as the ex-girlfriend of Paris’ ex-fiancé Paris Latstis (confused yet?) who sued Hilton for defamation. Her charge? That Paris leaked a bunch of lies to Page Six, which wrote that Graff ripped a necklace of Hilton’s neck and was then thrown out of a London night club as the song” Copacabana” played in the background. Sounds like Graff won this round! Nice work random rich lady. Too bad the Parises parted ways eons ago, making it all the more fun to say “that’s hot” to Paris losing a nice chunk of change for spreading such a lame rumor. [NY Post. Image: Getty]

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