Brangelina Likes Bono Better Than You

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Sorry, regular peeps. There is absolutely no chance you’ll be considered for the role of god-father to the new golden gods, Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. Super famous kids need super famous godparents, and Bono‘s getting the job, soley for the reason that it’s pretty f*cking cool to get money on your birthday every year from the dude who sings “With Or Without You.” Also, Brad and Angie are star f*ckers. Need examples?

1. A source says: “They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back.”

2. The same source reveals: “Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson. Ali’s given Angelina some clothes from her ethical clothing range Edun.”

Is Kim Kardashian As Fat As a Donkey?

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Kim Kardashian and Shanna Moakler
Stay away from swank L.A. barbecues where Shanna Moakler might be one side of the room chomping a burger and Kim Kardashian on the other side wolfing brisket – there may be some fists flying. The two petty princesses recently wound up in the same air space, and viciousness was everywhere. Evidently the bad actress threw a drink at the cheesy reality show star, later calling Kardashian “fat” and “a donkey.” This feud is about allegedly erotic texts Kim sent to Moakler mate Travis Barker. If all goes well, Kim will think of a way to retaliate. But she might want to bring a sister or two for muscle – Shanna’s known for punching and pushing.

Diddy and Cassie: They Don’t

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People, don’t get your Diddies in a bunch. The rumor of an engagement between Sean Combs and Bad Boy girl Cassie is simply untrue, says his rep. “This was a complete fabrication,” says the flak. Awww, and here we were all excited for their inevitable divorce! [People.com]

Update: Cassie has weighed in on this issue via her MySpace blog:

Another Day… Another Rumor

HEY! This blog is simply to clear up a rumor. The newest one is that I am engaged. That rumor is completely false and I have no clue how it came to be or why it got so big, but it’s not true, real talk. I am not engaged. Whether or not you’ve heard about it, thank you for your time :) Stay Blessed!

x.Cassie

[via ONTD]

Mariah Slams Reports of Marital Troubles

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Mariah Carey wants you all to quit being such haters, at least when it comes to her marriage. The eternally twelve-year-old diva visited TRL’s studios with her hubby the other day, where she was kind enough to chat with MTV News about all the rumors swirling around her marriage.

“It’s good. Life is beautiful, and things are going well,” Carey said. She then goes on to make a nearly unintelligible statment about the motives of people who have criticized her marriage (and why should they? Just because you only dated your husband for like, two weeks! And married him to time with your record release!). “People are going to say what they say, but what would be the purpose? I guess other people do those things for a purpose, but I don’t know.” Thanks for clearing that up Mariah.

But the butterfly-loving singer promises all is right in the world of Mrs. and Mr. Mariah Carey. “I’m ecstatic, so be ecstatic with me! Be happy with me. Can we celebrate?” Sure we can, Mims. If you make it to your first wedding anniversary.

Diddy To Say “I Do” With Cassie?

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Yup, it’s these two again, and now the rumors about Diddy and his 21-year old protégé Cassie have moved beyond just dating. Apparently they’re like, totally engaged! Did we mention Mr. Combs is almost 39 years old? The mogul/J. Lo ex supposedly told friends and family at his son Justin’s eighth grade graduation last month. “He told everyone to keep it extremely quiet because he didn’t want it to get out, but you could tell he was excited,” says a source who enjoys gossiping anonymously. “Diddy said they hadn’t set a date yet, but he wanted his family to hear the news first.”

Awesome! So this means they’ll be divorced by the time Cassie is 23, right? [Star]

Run Batman, Run!

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On the wake of Christian Bale’s arrest for assault this week, Comedy Central quickly whipped up a game that keeps Batman on his toes. Help Christian escape those pesky cops who are out to put him away for the assault allegation filed by his mother and sister. Hop over fire hydrants and dumpsters – but don’t end up like Christian, who spent four hours in a London jail and was released pending further inquiry.

I Want To Work for Diddy: Watch the Trailer!

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Above is the supertrailer for I Want To Work for Diddy, the upcoming reality competition that pits enterprising, young individuals against each other for a chance at becoming the assistant of one Sean “Diddy” Combs. In the trailer, we’re treated to a poolside rant from Diddy, a proclamation from him that, “I’m not the easiest to work for, but I’m the best to work for,” and a former assistant who seems to have the fear of God instilled in him over Heinz 57 Ketchup. It’s kind of amazing. Diddy says, “This show is about people following a dream,” except said people aren’t allowed to sleep (seriously, he also tells them, “Sleep is forbidden.”). That pretty much says everything about the difficulty of their task at hand.

I Want To Work for Diddy is scheduled to premiere Monday, August 4 at 9/8c on VH1.