Look look! Audrina is still toting Justin Bobby around town, which means somewhere in The Hills, Lauren Conrad is crying. Excellent! He may be a dud, but Justin Bobby’s a stud (an unfortunate rhyme) and this time around we’re smitten. Let’s hope he’s got some staying power - someone needs to put Lo in her place next season!

If you watch The Hills for just a few minutes, it becomes very clear that Audrina Patridge is a naturally gifted thespian. Her approach to her relationship with Justin Bobby reeks of vintage Meryl Streep, and her handling of the Lauren-Lo housing drama is Oscar-worthy for sure. Everything about her says “actress:” the blank stares, the constant mumbling, the whiny voice. She is the next big deal, and she’s now got the legitimate acting cred to prove it. Audrina has been cast in Into the Blue 2. OMFG! Don’t remember the masterpiece that was the original Into the Blue? Why, it starred Jessica Alba and some other hot people as a group of divers in trouble with a drug lord! Such a fine piece of film is surely going to make Audrina an A List star, and it’s about damn time - she’s been acting on the Hills for so long, she’s truly a natural. [Us]

Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episode with a series of haiku poems about the show. Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below. As a bonus this week, we’ve added a video of Heidi Montag freestyling on TRL yesterday. It’s almost as horrific as her new clothing line, which should tell you a lot.

Haiku #1: Speidi
Heidi is SO mad.
Like really f*cking mad, you guys.
Where’s the camera?

Haiku #2: People’s Revolution
Kelly Cutrone can
take her job offer and shove it-
I mean, I accept!

Haiku #3: Girls Night
Audrina’s deep thoughts:
Yeah, like, me too, I know, yeah,
Me too! Totally.

Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.

Haiku #1
Kelly Cutrone is
the HBIC. She scares
the sh*t out of me.

Haiku #2
Really Heidi? You
curled your hair to get your mirror?
High maintenance! Obvs.

Haiku #3
She-Pratt looks pretty
But way too skinny. She’s right -
Spencer, get a job!

Each week we’ll be recapping the most recent episode(s) of The Hills with haiku poems. Peep our work and then drop your own piece in our comments section. Trust us - The Hills is much easier to swallow in small bites!

Haiku #1
She-Pratt has it all -
Bad fashion taste, bad brother.
No wonder she’s mean.

Haiku #2
Why won’t you hug me?
Straight up truth: Brody Jenner smells
like desperation.

Haiku #3
Fake? Real? We can’t tell.
Heidi’s robot eyes can’t cry.
Is Whit’s job a sham?

Haiku #4
Lo. Sweet, skanky Lo.
You deserve your own show, girl.
We love all your ish.

The Hills began the second half of their third season last night, with the usual fanfare and slinky dresses. Since the bulk of the show involves blank stares and uneaten lunches, we’ve decided to honor the few moments of reality gold left in each ep with haiku recaps of the show. Because everything Lauren, Whitney, Audrina, and the Heid-monster do can totally be narrowed down to 5, 7 and 5 syllables.

It might totally help the mood to read our poem-caps with Heidi’s latest single “No More” playing in the background. Robots have never sounded so good! Novices may think this new jam is about Spencer (whose advice column just launched today), but we totally think the track is talking about her failed relationship with Lauren. She definitely made Heidi scared to open up!

Haiku #1
Oh my god, like wow.
Seriously, oh my god.
We’re in France, bitches!

Haiku #2
Who skis in make-up?
Spencer’s dream woman, obvi.
Go get her, tiger!

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Lauren Conrad’s bland BFF on The Hills has finally revealed her wild side - and it’s a whole lot racier than just dating a hairdresser with two names! A bunch of naked pics of Audrina Patridge have surfaced on the web (what took so long?) from an apparent attempt at a modeling/Playboy career. The reality star confessed that she, “took these photos years ago when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others and I didn’t know to protect myself.” Here’s one very simple way - don’t take your clothes off! Though honestly, the whole internet is glad she did.

You can peep the pics here, or enjoy Audrina, fully clothed, below. [Getty]

The Hills is back on MTV in less than two weeks (set those tivos for March 24th), and the girls have been keeping busy in various drama-filled ways, obviously. Lauren, Lo and Audrina are all moved in to their mansion-sized bachelorette pad, which means all the fighting crying and hook-ups can now neatly be contained in one space! Valley girl Audrina is set to appear with the Pussycat Dolls (just like the pic above, natch) to celebrate the show’s new season, Lauren made up with enemy Kristin Cavallari and even invited the valley girl to her fashion week debut last night! Awww, our little bitches are all grown up. And speaking of women with attitudes, we especially enjoyed this Hills sneak peak at Heidi and her mom ganging up on Spencer when he apparently surprises her in Colorado.

The ladies of The Hills may be all grown up, but the drama remains the same. You can take a hot, popular girl out of high school, but you can’t take the high school out of the hot, popular girl! Thank god.

Holy shhhhhhhhhhhh*t! We can not stop freaking out! The greatest moment of television happened last night, and we lived through it. Barely. We still can’t decide if our favorite part was Whitney getting in a car to go to the airport, Lauren getting in a car to go to the airport, or Heidi getting in a car to go to the airport! Every second of the show was so interesting, so intense, so suspenseful. Would Lauren really pack that many shoes? Could Heidi really make that puckered sad face one hundred times in thirty minutes? And could Whitney save the whole episode with just one adorable face?

Oh yes. Definitely.

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Ah, poor Lauren. Whatever could be wrong?

Looks like our Hills heroine finally realized that her flapper costume looked a lot sexier on paper than it did on her person. Better luck next Halloween!

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Last night on The Hills, we learned a valuable lesson: Girls can hit other girls. Also, we learned that Lauren knows how to make one hardcore, reallllllly ugly face as her token reaction to everything.

Eh, perhaps that’s the most important lesson of all.
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