Dear Candy Spelling,

I didn’t want to do this, but now I feel I have no choice. Having endured your open letter to Paris Hilton and then the one to Joe Francis, I have to put my foot down now that you’ve written one to Britney Spears. I’m not so concerned about how condescending and shrewish you come across (at least you help clear up what happens when grandmas attack); I’m more concerned with how the moralizing tone of your letters screw with the continuity of TMZ.com, the deliciously amoral paparazzi blog you’ve chosen as your platform. Listen, lady: when I check TMZ, the only finger I want wagging at me is Britney’s bird.

And speaking of Britney, I do want to hit on a point you made in your letter to her: attacking Britney Spears for grabbing for attention is like attacking oxygen for filling our lungs. Camera-hogging is Britney’s very purpose. If she didn’t dress like a blind drag queen, the universe might collapse. At the very least, we (and I include you, Candy, in that "we") would have less to laugh at. Who wants that?

Without the bad behavior of Britney, Joe and Paris, you’d also have less to talk about. Whether you want to admit it or not, your school-marm missives are calls for attention, too. What did we know about you before this? That you were married to a rich TV producer? That you raised Tori, a daughter so privileged that "Nepotism" might as well have been her middle name? That you denied that same daughter millions of dollars in inheritance money? If your newfound role as Dear Candy (sans the "Dear," since who asked you, anyway?) doesn’t net you a talk show or reality show, it should at least beef up your cred enough to get you a Wikipedia page. At the very least, this has earned you your very own tag on the VH1 Blog — you’re moving up in the world, Candy!

Obviously, by commenting on your comments, I am no better than you. I might not necessarily agree with your views or syntax, but I fully support your right to them. Just stop clogging up TMZ already. Your posts are eyesores way beyond anything that Britney’s crotch has to offer.

In short: get your own blog already.

Best,
Rich

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Tags: Britney Spears•Paris Hilton•Candy Spelling•Joe Francis

Paris Hilton’s 45-day jail sentence is so sensational that people we haven’t heard from since at least before the word "blog" was invented are stepping up to snark. The funniest comes from notorious ex-con Patty Hearst, who contacted TMZ.com to deny a report that she’s giving Paris advice. Instead, she takes the opportunity to riff on Paris’ recent misfortune: "I must say that my heart goes out to the inmates of the Century Regional Detention Center. Forty-five days with Paris Hilton and the attendant publicity seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. Perhaps THEY should be petitioning the Governor for relief?" she writes. Hands down, this is the best commentary on Paris yet. Get this cult figure a blog, stat!

Patty recommends that Paris "read Candy Spelling’s letter several times and take her advice to heart," which brings us to our next item…

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Tags: Paris Hilton•Candy Spelling