Here are the top five most ridiculous moments of Episode 4, listed in chronological order from first to last.

1. Bull-Riding Contest Prize? Tila’s Ass!

Tila Tequila has dressed up as a naughty school teacher, a stripper and an angel. In episode 4, she morphed into a cowgirl by wearing a cowboy hat, a bra and assless leather chaps. The occasion (or excuse for the getup) was the first of what will surely become an annual mechanical bull-riding contest for pumped-up frat boys and stripper-esque lesbians on seasons of Tila Tequila to come. But if Tila didn’t look so hot, and if the prize weren’t spending an evening with her exposed ass, then this challenge would have been boring beyond belief.

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Tags: A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, MTV, Photos, Television, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila

Here’s a list of the top five most awesomely bad moments of episode 3 of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2.

1. CHAD CAN’T FETCH A BALL

For the second year in a row, Tila Tequila split her wooers by sex and made the two groups face off in a “bi-athalon.” Among the athletic challenges, contestants were forced to dip their heads into an inflatable pool and use their mouths to pick up balls with symbols corresponding to their sex. Chad should have had an advantage in this exercise of fetching, considering that he has the brain power and disposition of a dog. But he couldn’t find the correct ball and began to bite the side of the pool out of frustration. In the meantime, the girls ate away at the boys’ lead and then won the challenge. Chad claimed later that the “snot rockets” floating in the pool prevented him from completing the task. But we’re talking about a guy whose idea of fun is to raise his legs over his head in bed and pass gas. Chad could probably bath in snot without being phased. Could it be that he doesn’t know the difference between a male and female symbol?

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Tags: A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, MTV, Photos, Television, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila

Dear Tila,
We begged and pleaded you to leave MTV last season and join us here at VH1. You declined. Not to be petty, but our reality star, New York, found true love on our dating show while you found nothing. This is not your fault. There’s no way you could have found even a friend among the violent drama queens, psychopaths, sex maniacs and potential sex offenders that you were subjected to. Needless to say, we’re disappointed that you’ve renewed your show, which premieres April 22, for a second season with MTV. Tila, baby, you’re making the same mistake twice. Judging by this preview clip, we’re bracing for a total freaking disaster:

First, what’s up with this “challenge?” Were these butt-ugly bimbos and sacks of testosterone contained in a cage because they have chicken brains? Did they start to peck and scratch each other? For your next challenge, why not just take them to a dog park and allow them to roll around in the mud and hump?

Tila, we’re sorry to be so negative. You know that we will always adore you. We will never tire of your dimples, your laugh, your contagious energy. You’re like a girlfriend that gets away with way too much because you’re irresistibly cute and hot. We hope that MTV treats you better this season. If not, our offer still stands for A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 3. Because, as we all know, there’s no way in hell you’re finding love with these freaks.

P.S. Here’s an homage to your hotness:

Tags: A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, MTV, Photos, Television, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila

The fakest show in the history of fake shows returns Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008, when erstwhile singer-songwriter and barely-clad short lady Tila Tequila returns to MTV looking for love . . . or something like it. From the trailer for A Shot at Love 2 With Tila Tequila (see above), this season promises to be truly upsetting. Expect piercings, head-buttings, swearing, cops, vomit, blood and tears as 15 lesbians and 15 straight guys compete for the host’s affections. Take a look at those about to lose their keys to Tila’s mansion now. And for those of you out there wondering how on earth Ms. Tequila so quickly recovered from her heartache after her relationship with Bobby ended, look no further. She seems to have drowned her sorrows in a sea of bouncers and strippers. Isn’t that how everyone gets over a non-existent bad break-up?


Tags: A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila Tila Tequila A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila MTV, Television

Darling Tila, we need to talk. We really need to talk. We need you to call us. We would call you, but we do not have your phone number. Also, if you call us we will feel that we have upheld the social compact, the unspoken rules about telephone-conversation-generation between a media conglomerate and one lone dating-show host. But we digress.

Tila, yesterday evening we learned the following:

• You masturbate nine times daily
• You are willing to let innocent youth debase themselves for your amusement and then vanquish them from the competition with nary a thought about their feelings and/or welfare
• You appear to be attracted to emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous human beings who prefer to wear thongs (when they wear anything at all) and are inexplicably huge fans of two-toned hair, makeup that makes them look like plague victims and the idea of falling in love

None of them are in love with you, Tila. But you look confused. We were worried this might happen. Call it shock. Call it Tequila Syndrome. But whatever you do, just call us.

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Tags: MTV, Television, Tila Tequila

Tila, sweeheart. You have broken our hearts. We will forgive you, of course — how could we not — but we will never forgive MTV. Last night’s display of lewd innuendo and sexual aggression was, simply put, disgusting. A disgrace. A foolish, wanton waste of cash and resources, not unlike all the promotion Microsoft put behind Zune, the coffers Google emptied for YouTube, the treasures that evaporated into wisps of money-colored, cocaine-scented smoke when Lindsay Lohan released I Know Who Killed Me. But we digress. Yes, yes, we do.

We felt worse for having watched A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila last night. We felt so dirty, in fact, that we showered afterward, and we scrubbed hard. We are still raw, Tila. We also still feel dirty. As for you . . . well, we felt for you, but our patience has begun to run thin. MTV treats you like a tarted up piece of rotting flank steak slathered in lipgloss and tottering on stripper heels, and you don’t seem to care. Haven’t you noticed? How long will you turn the other cheek? When will you come to VH1? We would never treat you like that. You were in tears before the first commercial break, honey!

Unacceptable.

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Tags: MTV, Photos, sex, Television, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila

Oh, Tila, it is as we feared. There are fundamental flaws with A Shot of Love. But before we delve into the nitty-gritty, we’d like to point out the positive: You are a radiant and sophisticated presence on screen and your physical beauty is simply unparalleled. We know of no other star who has the ability to exude sex and innocence and worldy wit - all at the same time. Just look at these screenshots from MTV!

As for the production itself … We are sorry to see that the executives at MTV have foisted upon you a group of 16 absurd men and 16 “women” who are undeserving of your attention. We cringed as we watched last night’s premiere, sympathetic to how you must have immediately intuited the crux of your dilemma: You will not find love here, not among these barnyard animals, these bouncers and strippers, these reality-program dregs who would not last one commercial break on a decent network. No, you will not find love.

You might, however, find a disease.

This is something we do not wish for you, Tila. Hear our plea: If your show were to air on VH1, things would be very, very different. (Dear faithful readers: If you agree, you should visit www.vh1wantstilatequila.com.) We implore you to bring your show here, Tila. Before it is too late, before you become so disillusioned with relationships, so deadened to the real and fulfilling nature of deep human connection, you become anhedonic and require serious medication simply to function.

Yes, your contestants are that bad. This is not hyperbole.

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Tags: MTV, Photos, sex, Television, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila

Oh, Tila. You are the queen of the Internets, the Maharani of MySpace, the raison d’etre behind MTV’s most gripping program since Johnny Knoxville unwisely lit out for the brighter (?) lights of B-movie tripe. You have won our hearts, our souls, and, more recently, our eyeballs.

Tonight your show debuts. We are counting the minutes. Every second seems a smelly, unreasonable eternity. We should explain: We will be watching A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila very, very closely, for we will be recapping the show here at the VH1 Blog. We will thrill to the sight of your bisexual dating program, wherein men (if you can call them that) and women (whose average mien appears influenced by and promotional of Human Growth Hormone and the San Fernando Valley) compete for your affections.

It is, we say, an historical moment. We have been waiting far too long. So, apparently, have certain frothy elements of the culture, whose right-wing sensibilities and conservative spending habits have been offended by your young, lithe, nubile, tanned . . . er, ambitions. We are proud to see you taking a stand for diversity — not to mention dignity, a staple that’s lately gone missing from the larder — on your MySpace blog. You write:

“Ever since the announcement of my new TV show(about being bisexual) I know that it has raised quite the controversy…especially with the conservatives, but even more recently, THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH!!! They have made it clear that what I am doing is wrong and that I am ‘cooperating with the adversary’ It’s ridiculous!”

Oh, Tila. At VH1, we would never assume you were colluding with Satan.

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Tags: MTV, Television, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila

Our fair sister network, MTV, has greenlit a somewhat interesting dating show: A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. The idea behind it? Television’s very first bisexual dating game. Tila Tequila is the Internet celebrity said to be the most popular person on MySpace (and with over 2 million “friends,” whoever’s saying that just might be right). The show will feature 16 straight lesbians and 16 guys debasing themselv. . . er, vying for Tila’s love and attention. As the sexes and sexual orientations do battle, Tila becomes ever more famous and MTV breaks new ground. Or something. Says Ms. Tequila: “The only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS….WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????” Jeez. They’re going to be untangling this one out in wymyn’s studies for the next 50 years or so. And that cash-register noise? Sounds like Tila’s got money in the bank. What you think about that?

Tune in to MTV October 9th at 10 p.m. and check our gallery of Tila Tequila pics.

Like, let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief, because The Hills is back with a whole lot of sass, ‘tude, and of course, scandal! Ah, these girls eat scandal up like it’s the last cup of Pinkberry on earth. Delicious.

In the first episode, “You Know What You Did,” Lauren and Whitney are reunited for another year of slaving away at their grueling Teen Vogue internships, where the girls must sit around all day discussing their outfits, guys, and other people’s outfits and guys. Oh - and they occasionally steam a couture dress or two. But now Whitney, as Lauren’s boss, gets paid to do it! Adulthood is like, so amazing. LC immediately fills Whitney in on a bunch of rumors about her that recently made it onto the internet. Is she talking about the sex tape? Or maybe she means the sex tape. Wait - is it the sex tape? Oh snap, we were wrong. Lauren reveals that it was, in fact, a rumor about an “inappropriate videotape.” Yeah, that’s probably what Pam Anderson called it too.

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Tags: MTV, Television, The Hills

Big surprise - the stars of MTV’s Meet The Barkers are calling it quits for realsies this time. After shooting their reality - "look at us we’re a normal married couple with kids, tattoos and millions of dollars" - show about wedded bliss, the pair split, reconciled, and have now split again, for good. And good riddance to them! They join a slew of other couples who popped upon MTV together and in love only to find themselves bitten by the "We’re so happy together" reality TV show curse. Think we’re lying? Look who else has felt the black magic:

• Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. We all know what happened here. They went from Chicken of the Sea to see ya later.

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Tags: Carmen Electra Dave Navarro Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey Movies, MTV, Music