Someone needs to tell Tila Tequila that making out with some chicks on national TV is not activism, it’s soft core porn. For some reason, our horny heroine thinks that she is responsible for the movement to legalize gay marriage. “It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement,” she bragged recently. “Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

It’s so sweet that she thinks that having both men and women eat pig vaginas together in slutty bathing suits somehow helped to change the world. Awwww. Stupidity is so precious! So what’s next for Tila? “I am going to Africa,” she told Us magazine. “I think maybe I will fall in love in Africa.”

Just like we’ll fall in love with not having her hear from this airhead for a few months. Bon Voyage!

Here’s a list of the five most absurd moments of episode 7 of A Shot at Love 2 With Tila Tequila.

1. TILA INFLICTS PAIN ON HER LOVERS
Tila Tequila took a page out of the Rock of Love handbook, herding her suitors to a tattoo parlor. But unlike some of the women vying for Brett Michaels‘ heart, none of Tila’s potential love mates had the guts to get a tattoo of her name, opting instead for shot glasses (Bo and Jay) and a replication of the star that Tila sports on her wrist (Kristy). Tila offered Fear Factor-like alternatives for those who didn’t want to get inked, including getting a piercing (Brittany), walking on broken glass (George) or sitting in an electric chair (Lisa). It’s odd how turned on Tila gets by watching others suffer in her name. She doted on Bo, for example, because: “He shaved his soul patch, he got his jaw broken and now he’s getting a tattoo for me!” What else would turn her on? Getting dragged behind a car? Gouging out an eye?

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Here’s a list of the most absurd moments of episode 6 of A Shot at Love 2 With Tila Tequila.

1. KRISTY’S GAY TEST

“I think that me and Tila standing next to each other is every man’s fantasy,” said Kristy on last night’s A Shot At Love. “If it doesn’t, you’re gay.” Could Kristy (pictured above) be right? If so, the unofficial poll that I conducted among friends suggests that approximately 75% of all men in the U.S. are gay. Read the rest of this entry »

According to Tila’s Hot Spot Journal, the reality TV star informed Entertainment Weekly that she’ll shy away from fame at the conclusion of this season’s A Shot at love With Tila Tequila.

“I wanna do meaningful stuff. After a while you reach your goals and then what? You just prance around like Paris Hilton all day long and feel like you have to find the next scandal to stay big. This lifestyle is fun and I worked hard for it, but I think in the long run, it’s a lot. I just wanna be in love for the rest of my life and move to an island and have kids.”

Living on an island may fit her penchant for wearing bikinis, but will she be happy if no one’s around to see her smoking body? Plus, does the person in the following photos look like they’re concerned with doing meaningful stuff?

Tila, you know you need the limelight. It’s time to join us.

Here are the most ridiculous moments of Episode 5.

CHAD’S VIOLENT OUTBURST, ROUND II

After Chad attacked Bo’s face, splitting his gum (and teeth) in half, he bumped chests and high-fived his “brodog” Jay, who instigated the fight in the first place. “That’s how we rep in Detroit, baby!” Chad shouted. Did he mean that people in the Motor City will sucker headbutt and punch you when you don’t expect it? The way Chad was celebrating his manhood, you would think that he had just knocked Bo out. But Bo was still standing and lucid after the cheap shots. Hopefully, the security that escorted Chad out of the house delivered him straight to a state mental hospital, because he clearly needs pills and electric shock therapy.

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Here are the top five most ridiculous moments of Episode 4, listed in chronological order from first to last.

1. Bull-Riding Contest Prize? Tila’s Ass!

Tila Tequila has dressed up as a naughty school teacher, a stripper and an angel. In episode 4, she morphed into a cowgirl by wearing a cowboy hat, a bra and assless leather chaps. The occasion (or excuse for the getup) was the first of what will surely become an annual mechanical bull-riding contest for pumped-up frat boys and stripper-esque lesbians on seasons of Tila Tequila to come. But if Tila didn’t look so hot, and if the prize weren’t spending an evening with her exposed ass, then this challenge would have been boring beyond belief.

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Here’s a list of the top five most awesomely bad moments of episode 3 of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2.

1. CHAD CAN’T FETCH A BALL

For the second year in a row, Tila Tequila split her wooers by sex and made the two groups face off in a “bi-athalon.” Among the athletic challenges, contestants were forced to dip their heads into an inflatable pool and use their mouths to pick up balls with symbols corresponding to their sex. Chad should have had an advantage in this exercise of fetching, considering that he has the brain power and disposition of a dog. But he couldn’t find the correct ball and began to bite the side of the pool out of frustration. In the meantime, the girls ate away at the boys’ lead and then won the challenge. Chad claimed later that the “snot rockets” floating in the pool prevented him from completing the task. But we’re talking about a guy whose idea of fun is to raise his legs over his head in bed and pass gas. Chad could probably bath in snot without being phased. Could it be that he doesn’t know the difference between a male and female symbol?

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Dear Tila,
We begged and pleaded you to leave MTV last season and join us here at VH1. You declined. Not to be petty, but our reality star, New York, found true love on our dating show while you found nothing. This is not your fault. There’s no way you could have found even a friend among the violent drama queens, psychopaths, sex maniacs and potential sex offenders that you were subjected to. Needless to say, we’re disappointed that you’ve renewed your show, which premieres April 22, for a second season with MTV. Tila, baby, you’re making the same mistake twice. Judging by this preview clip, we’re bracing for a total freaking disaster:

First, what’s up with this “challenge?” Were these butt-ugly bimbos and sacks of testosterone contained in a cage because they have chicken brains? Did they start to peck and scratch each other? For your next challenge, why not just take them to a dog park and allow them to roll around in the mud and hump?

Tila, we’re sorry to be so negative. You know that we will always adore you. We will never tire of your dimples, your laugh, your contagious energy. You’re like a girlfriend that gets away with way too much because you’re irresistibly cute and hot. We hope that MTV treats you better this season. If not, our offer still stands for A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 3. Because, as we all know, there’s no way in hell you’re finding love with these freaks.

P.S. Here’s an homage to your hotness:

The fakest show in the history of fake shows returns Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008, when erstwhile singer-songwriter and barely-clad short lady Tila Tequila returns to MTV looking for love . . . or something like it. From the trailer for A Shot at Love 2 With Tila Tequila (see above), this season promises to be truly upsetting. Expect piercings, head-buttings, swearing, cops, vomit, blood and tears as 15 lesbians and 15 straight guys compete for the host’s affections. Take a look at those about to lose their keys to Tila’s mansion now. And for those of you out there wondering how on earth Ms. Tequila so quickly recovered from her heartache after her relationship with Bobby ended, look no further. She seems to have drowned her sorrows in a sea of bouncers and strippers. Isn’t that how everyone gets over a non-existent bad break-up?

Darling Tila, we need to talk. We really need to talk. We need you to call us. We would call you, but we do not have your phone number. Also, if you call us we will feel that we have upheld the social compact, the unspoken rules about telephone-conversation-generation between a media conglomerate and one lone dating-show host. But we digress.

Tila, yesterday evening we learned the following:

• You masturbate nine times daily
• You are willing to let innocent youth debase themselves for your amusement and then vanquish them from the competition with nary a thought about their feelings and/or welfare
• You appear to be attracted to emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous human beings who prefer to wear thongs (when they wear anything at all) and are inexplicably huge fans of two-toned hair, makeup that makes them look like plague victims and the idea of falling in love

None of them are in love with you, Tila. But you look confused. We were worried this might happen. Call it shock. Call it Tequila Syndrome. But whatever you do, just call us.

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Tila, sweeheart. You have broken our hearts. We will forgive you, of course — how could we not — but we will never forgive MTV. Last night’s display of lewd innuendo and sexual aggression was, simply put, disgusting. A disgrace. A foolish, wanton waste of cash and resources, not unlike all the promotion Microsoft put behind Zune, the coffers Google emptied for YouTube, the treasures that evaporated into wisps of money-colored, cocaine-scented smoke when Lindsay Lohan released I Know Who Killed Me. But we digress. Yes, yes, we do.

We felt worse for having watched A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila last night. We felt so dirty, in fact, that we showered afterward, and we scrubbed hard. We are still raw, Tila. We also still feel dirty. As for you . . . well, we felt for you, but our patience has begun to run thin. MTV treats you like a tarted up piece of rotting flank steak slathered in lipgloss and tottering on stripper heels, and you don’t seem to care. Haven’t you noticed? How long will you turn the other cheek? When will you come to VH1? We would never treat you like that. You were in tears before the first commercial break, honey!

Unacceptable.

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