Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Love in the Time of Cholera, the film adaptation of Gabriel García Márquez’s renowned novel, is ham-fisted, absurd, and more than a little silly. It’s a lot silly.

“Those who have read Gabriel García Márquez’s glowing and sexy 1988 novel about one man’s grand love for a woman who marries another are bound to be peevishly disappointed by Love in the Time of Cholera. And those who haven’t read the book will now never understand the ardor of those who have — at least not based on all the hammy traipsing and coupling and scene-hopping thrown together here.” — Entertainment Weekly

“From the hoot-worthy dialogue (’I don’t need a medical lesson.’ ‘No, this is going to be a lesson in love’) to the atrocious makeup, to the dead rats taped to the side of Hector Elizondo’s head, the entire thing’s a wreck. Unless it was trolling for sneering chuckles, in which case — success!” — The Village Voice

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Fred Claus is something of a disaster and, unfortunately, only the latest misstep from America’s king of sarcasm (and Lieutenant Colonel of flannel shirts), Vince Vaughn. In other news, it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. There’s a whole season of these yet to come. Check our “best and worst” holiday films list, and see which Santas rule. 

“Lacking the absurdist je ne say what of fellow crank Bill Murray (who tried his hand at Christmas fare with Scrooged), the demonic physical comedy of Ben Stiller (amassing kid cred with Night at the Museum), or the freestyling innocence of Will Ferrell (Elf), Vaughn brings to the kiddie party the same thing he brings to the adult party: a six-foot-five attitude problem. Whether a giant man with an extensive flannel collection and a big mouth will have crossover (or -under) appeal is anyone’s guess.” - The Village Voice

“The post-pumpkin, pre-Christmas family comedy Fred Claus is constructed like a rattling Santa sack of stocking stuffers, most of them plastic, doled out with little confidence about what adults want from a jingle-bell comedy (we want Elf!), and even less about what engages a kid (they want Elf!).” - Entertainment Weekly

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Bee Movie is an animated film that stars the vocal talents and facial tics of Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Renee Zellweger, among others. It’s so saturated the media it seems like Dreamworks and Paramount began promoting it, oh, back in 1968 (did you watch the season premiere of 30 Rock, for instance?). Even still, the critics aren’t impressed. Not that they ever are. Fun-haters!

“Bee Movie isn’t a B movie, it’s a Z movie, as in dizmal. This animated feature might have been tolerable, though for what demographic I’m not sure, if its hyper vocal star, Jerry Seinfeld, had chosen to drone. Instead, he delivers every line — every stupid bee joke that he and his cronies could cook up — with a pounding, punishing triumphalism that recalls not the Seinfeld of Seinfeld but Milton Berle on a really bad night. As you may have gleaned from a publicity campaign that’s been slightly less invasive than the influenza pandemic of 1918 . . . .” - The Wall Street Journal

“Based on the patter he comes up with for his character’s shtick, Seinfeld seems to have devolved from the witty observer of human nature we saw on TV into a bad Catskills comic.” - USA Today
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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Sadistic serial killer Jigsaw returns in Saw IV, a movie of such inept direction and shoddy script-writing, the critics have begun to wonder whether horror films are merely elaborate Hollywood exercises in money laundering. By the way, you’ll never guess which film this week wasn’t screened for critics.

“Boasting more posthumous recordings than Tupac, Jigsaw should have spent time devising clever new traps instead of buying Radio Shack’s entire inventory of tape recorders. Between pathetic sound effects, embarrassing lines like, ‘What you can’t do is save everyone,’ and mixed-up chronology that may break your watch, the sick pleasure that once came from the sound of screaming, morally conflicted people now sounds only like cash registers ringing up another undeserving hit.” - The Chicago Times

“The need to incorporate familiar characters and icons from the earlier films, together with flashbacks that flesh out Jigsaw’s pre-‘puppet master’ past, simply leads to an irritating series of creative dead ends. Truly, a hack-‘Saw’.” - Time Out London

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For fans of the disgraced pop princess, tomorrow’s a special day: VH1 will be streaming the new Britney Spears record, in its entirety. So what’s the word back on what you can expect? A bevy of experts have already weighed in. And the news will disappoint all you haters out there: If you believe the critics, Blackout is actually supposed to be pretty good. How do you think it will compare to her previous work?

“She may no longer dance with flair, lip-sync on cue, keep her dress down, or even be judged a suitable mom, but Britney Spears can still turn up on some slammin’ new songs. The much-whispered-about, oft-giggled-over Blackout album, the singer’s first in four years, contains flashes of the zippy pop and propulsive dance beats Brit fans treasure, despite the singer’s, shall we say, distracting activities of the last year.” - The New York Daily News

“This album is going to be #1!!! Everyone needs to back the hell off. Her family wouldn’t have nothing if it weren’t for her. Even Mr. Federline he has what he has because of her. She has made everyone lives better. She’s young and just living her life (and yes the way she wants ). I’m so excited, can’t wait for the 30th!!! YOU GO GIRL!!” - Ashley, a rather intense fan of Britney Spears, in a post at VH1.com
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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: 30 Days of Night is a movie about vampires who prey upon the northernmost town in Alaska. It’s convenient for vampires there, see, because once a year, it gets dark for 30 days. This is a natural phenomenon that has to do with the Earth, its axis, the sun, etc. What’s not natural? Josh Hartnett and Melissa George’s onscreen chemistry. That, friends, is machine-made.

“Fangs for nothing.” - The New York Post

“The monsters are shrieky, flesh-ripping zombie vampires outfitted with what appear to be entire mouthfuls of incisors. They’re commanded by a tall, brooding, and rather natty scowler (Danny Huston) who bears a disquieting resemblance to Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys. Speaking in a subtitled guttural rasp that makes him sound like he just popped in from an obscure European film festival, this nightmare dandy growls out lines like ‘There is no hope, only hunger and pain.’ His name is Marlow, but they should have called him Jean-Paul Face-Chomper.” - Entertainment Weekly

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: In Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Cate Blanchett reprises the role that made her a star. This sequel, however, isn’t going to alter her Q rating. But the clothes are pretty, and in a Hollywood on the verge of a writers’ strike, that’s something.

“It seems Elizabeth’s reign wasn’t so much about resolving matters of the heart, maintaining the love of her people, dealing with her scheming cousin Mary Queen of Scots and defeating the Spanish Armada, so much as wearing the right costume for the right event.” — The Washington Post

“An unholy mixture of the banal and the bombastic.” — New York

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: The Heartbreak Kid. The Farrelly Brothers get their Stiller on in a thingee about a marriage that goes wrong in the first five minutes. Some critics thought it was okay, but some didn’t.

“A comic vision remarkable for its hysterical misogyny.” - The New York Times

“When the movie announces its big theme - ‘Bitches be crazy!’ - a girl behind me at the screening actually called out, ‘Oh no he dit-int!’ Yes, ma’am. Yes, I’m afraid he did.” - The New York Post

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Some say The Kingdom is a taut political thriller, filled with explosions, intrigue and moral teachings about invading foreign1 soil. Others think it’s a dangerously stupid way to stoke racist blood lust. Enjoy your explode-y racism, movie-goers!

“The King-dumb: Hollywood provides the Islamic world another reason to hate America with The Kingdom, a xenophobic, overblown, revenge-driven action thriller that exports the ‘Rambo’ mentality to the contemporary Middle East.” - The New York Post

“The picture begins with a heinous terrorist attack on an American compound in Saudi Arabia. You want loaded, this picture’s got loaded: The bad guys mow down/blow up a softball game, for heaven’s sake. ‘Crack’ FBI-op Ronald Fleury (Jamie Foxx) is addressing his young son’s classroom when the call comes in. No My Pet Goat moment for this man of action — he politely excuses himself and assembles a ‘crack’ investigative team including bomb expert Chris Cooper and forensics whiz Jennifer Garner. What Jason Bateman brings to the team, as far as I could tell, is a mint-condition vintage Pixies T-shirt. His character’s also Jewish, which, along with Garner’s character’s disinclination to wear a burka, gives the movie some not particularly fresh cultural-conflict juice.” - Premiere

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Good Luck Chuck isn’t funny, entertaining, credible or witty. The film stars Dane Cook as a dentist whose love-life has been cursed. Jessica Alba is his crush. His best friend is Dan Fogler. And together the three of them are about as funny as a fart joke. A not-funny fart joke. The kind of fart joke that reads like a form from the IRS. A fart joke that could make you declare bankruptcy! Laughing yet?

“I’ve occasionally heard Dane Cook, one of the stars of Good Luck Chuck, described as a comedian. I find this confusing, since my understanding is that comedians are people who say and do things that are funny. Perhaps Mr. Cook is some new kind of conceptual satirist whose shtick is to behave in the manner of a person attempting to be funny without actually being, you know, funny. Or maybe he answered an ad in the back of a magazine and sent away for a mail-order license to practice comedy. Whether Jessica Alba, his co-star, acquired her acting credentials by similar means is an issue that will be addressed if she ever tries to act.” - The New York Times

“With any luck, you won’t upchuck.” - The New York Post
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Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Mr. Woodcock isn’t Bad Santa, but then, it’s not the holidays yet and Billy Bob Thornton isn’t as spry as he used to be.

“Does anyone at this late date recall a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton in which he doesn’t yell at retarded f*cking kids and bark at their stupid parents?” - The Village Voice

“[They should have made] a movie about fourth lead Amy Poehler . . . [who plays] Maggie Hoffman: a brawling, liquor-fuelled publicist who lives for bagging A-journalist pelts. When she lands Oprah for bestselling author John Farley (Seann William Scott), a self-help guru, Maggie is gay as a thrush. Then John bails from Oprah upon discovering his mom (Susan Sarandon) is about to marry the vile Mr. Woodcock. Maggie takes the defection very badly, gargling vodka while flying next to an empty seat to Chicago. A flight attendant approaches, bearing a cart of tiny airline liquors. ‘Can I get a real bottle?’ Maggie hisses, baring her teeth. ‘I’m an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.’” - The Globe and Mail
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