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A few weeks ago, we asked you to submit your love and relationship questions to Lil Wayne. No question was too racy, no situation too complicated — the superstar MC would tackle anything.
Well, our hero has listened to all the questions, and in the first installment of “Ask Weezy,” he explains what to do when you’ve got a lazy lady, whether a man’s taking advantage, and if there’s something too freaky for even Wayne to do in the bedroom. Be sure to stop back on Friday, when we’ll have Wayne answer more questions, and pre-order your copy of Tha Carter III here, out June 10.
We haven’t seen that many professional prostitutes, so we’re not sure where “Kristen,” the lady at the center of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, falls on the hot hooker scale. But frankly, we think she’s a 10. The escort’s real name (which is actually her stage name) has been revealed as Ashley Alexandra Dupreand she’s a 22-year-old from Jersey living in the Big Apple with hopes of breaking into the music biz. She’s apparently holed up in her apartment, hiding from the hordes of press stationed down below, but we can at least get to know her via her pics and tracks. Gawker’s got a breakdown of her life deets as well as tons of pics of the pretty lady. Surely the commotion right now is hard to handle, but this is nothing a Playboy cover and a stint on Oprah can’t fix. Get to it, Ash! [Ashley's MySpace]
This just in: don’t use your cell phone if you’re going to communicate with a top-shelf brothel. New York’s Governor, Eliot Spitzer, has copped to disappointing the citizens of his state by associating with some pay-to-play hotties. The biz is called Bada-Bing Club The Emperors Club VIP. Fight crime, steer state, use hookers? When’s that resignation coming?
You’ve watched America’s Most Smartest Model and developed opinions. Now we want to hear them: Who do you think should be the next contestant to be kicked off the show?
Still alive
To help start the conversation, we’ve asked some of our friends in fashion what they think. Today’s guest-blogger is Mickey Boardman, deputy editorial director of Paper magazine, a New York lifestyle monthly. Mickey’s an all-around style guru, adept at dispensing advice and one of the most clued-in fashion experts today. He explains who he thinks should win — and why.
“I love Pickel. I think he’s got a great personality. He’s smart and could also work as a model. If the challenge was purely physical, the person who I think could really work is V.J. He has the body and the face, but he’s such a douchebag. That’s great TV, but it doesn’t make you like him. Andre . . . it’s people like Andre who give models a bad name. I can’t see him working very much, but I was walking by a bus stop or a phone booth that had an ad for Equinox and the model in it looked like him, so maybe. I could see him in a fitness job, but he’s just so crazy and not in a fun way. As far as the girls go, I liked Mandy Lynn, the tranny-looking one with the fake lips who Mary Alice would always tell to not be so tranny-ish. She was fun. Mandy Lynn would never work as a model except for, say, posing in a bikini on a car in a mechanics’ calendar . . . and I mean that in a supportive way. Rachel Myers I’m not so into. Did she f*ck V.J. yet or no? The other Rachel, I want to like her, but I just can’t get past her face. But I’m not into the girls. The one that I liked was Erika, although she was stiff. If I had to pick one who has it all, I’d pick Pickel.”
Jesse was eliminated last episode. Did you forsee his fall?
Fallen but not forgotten
This Sunday, what do you think is going to happen?
Tila, last night you took us on a journey. A journey to a fantasmagoric place, or, more literally, to the Hollywood hills, where you and your brethren mounted tableaux of “Heaven” and “Hell” to titillate your house guests and home-viewing audience. Here’s what it looked like:
Unfortunately, darling, it didn’t work. Those of us watching at home had trouble remaining conscious. And if you were hoping to capitalize off of Halloween, we would like to remind you that on your show, everyday is already Halloween. The whole concept fell flat, like a lead souffle, and left us cold on the couch, an unsmoked cigarette in one hand and glass of Burgundy dampening our crotch. Really, Tila, the only ones who could find last night’s episode sexy are people who suffer from horrible hormone imbalances and teenage boys.
If you weren’t so mesmerizing, so Nefertiti-like in your physical charms, we might have even canceled our cable.
And yes, in answer to your next question, we are still hurt that you didn’t invite us to your birthday party. But darling, you’ve almost redeemed yourself. Yes, tossing Ashley out almost renewed our confidence in your cognitive prowess. But kissing Ashli? Showing Domenico sympathy? Permitting Vanessa to stay?
Sweetheart Tila, it has come to our attention that you celebrated your birthday on Wednesday. Well, happy birthday. We are overjoyed to see that you’ve reached 26, and we can’t wait to see what you’ll do with the following year. We can only hope it will involve fewer bouncers and strippers. Go a little lighter on befriending people who are orange, what do you say? And maybe take it easy on the short-shorts. Skin needs to breathe. Or it starts to fall off.
What’s that? You’re upset because we sound like we’re miffed? That’s funny. We are miffed. We saw how you celebrated your birthday at LAX. That’s not exactly a “small, intimate gathering,” like we were told. Where was our invitation? Did it get lost in the mails? Did you send it by Pony Express from the year 1842? Or perhaps it was one of those newfangled mental invites where you just think about inviting people and they understand where the party is by telepathy?
Oh, no, we get it. We’re the Duckie here. That sucks. Thanks, Tila. Thanks a lot.
Great. First Kim Kardashian, and now you. Is it us? Do we smell bad?
You’ve watched America’s Most Smartest Model and developed opinions. Now we want to hear them: Who do you think should be the next contestant to be kicked off the show?
Still alive
Mandy Lynn was dismissed last episode. Did you forecast her fall?
Fallen, but not forgotten
To help start the conversation, we’ve asked some of our friends in the fashion community what they think. Today’s guest-blogger is Faran Krentcil, editor-in-chief of one of the most in-the-know, indispensable style sites on the Internet, Fashionista. She explains who she thinks should win — and why.
“If I have to pick favorites, from a fashion point of view, I’d say Aussie Rachel is the girl to beat. Besides being beautiful — really, actually pretty, without the peroxide or press-on-nails that are staples of other girls’ arsenals — she doesn’t seem that dumb. If I gave her a map and said, “Point to Thailand,” I think she’d at least get as far as India before claiming they were the same place because they both use peanut sauce. If you gave her Hemingway, I bet she could clear through a whole chapter before declaring she needed a drink (which is what Hemingway himself would have done, anyway). And Ben Stein seems to like her, which is important since 1) he can make the contestants choke on cake if he doesn’t like them, and 2) he was in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and therefore is more important than almost anyone. Also, Rachel hasn’t been a bitch — yet — but maybe the true test of her intelligence will be if she’s smart enough to stay so sweet. Nobody wants a mean model. “Just stand there and look pretty” can’t happen if someone’s trying to tear your head off, which Rachel would never, ever do. Team Aussie Rachel!”
This Sunday, what do you think is going to happen?
As you probably remember from every newspaper article written about America’s declining ethical standards since Lewinskygate, Joe Francis is the man behind the hugely successful Girls Gone Wild franchise. He’s a miraculous entrepreneur who discovered that a crappy handicam, a couple of Jello shots and a pair of breasts (preferably aged 18 to 21) could become an incredibly lucrative platform for establishing a business.
Finally, darling, you have returned to your senses. Oh, Tila, how worried we were that you’d developed neurasthenia, or a mental fugue, or an Adam’s apple! But, as you happily proved to us last night, none of these are the case. You are hale and healthy and still female, and finally (finally!) you are beginning to demonstrate the genius with which you first seduced us. That is to say nothing of your physical beauty. You were resplendent in your Daisy Dukes. You glowed like the dying embers of a once-great dwarf star in your shiny blue Rayon (or was it polyester?) negligee. Your eyes glittered like hard little dusty black marbles when you were assessing your suitors. Each of them failed you, we noticed. Each of them.
Tila, sweeheart. You have broken our hearts. We will forgive you, of course — how could we not — but we will never forgive MTV. Last night’s display of lewd innuendo and sexual aggression was, simply put, disgusting. A disgrace. A foolish, wanton waste of cash and resources, not unlike all the promotion Microsoft put behind Zune, the coffers Google emptied for YouTube, the treasures that evaporated into wisps of money-colored, cocaine-scented smoke when Lindsay Lohan released I Know Who Killed Me. But we digress. Yes, yes, we do.
We felt worse for having watched A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila last night. We felt so dirty, in fact, that we showered afterward, and we scrubbed hard. We are still raw, Tila. We also still feel dirty. As for you . . . well, we felt for you, but our patience has begun to run thin. MTV treats you like a tarted up piece of rotting flank steak slathered in lipgloss and tottering on stripper heels, and you don’t seem to care. Haven’t you noticed? How long will you turn the other cheek? When will you come to VH1? We would never treat you like that. You were in tears before the first commercial break, honey!
Oh, Tila, it is as we feared. There are fundamental flaws with A Shot of Love. But before we delve into the nitty-gritty, we’d like to point out the positive: You are a radiant and sophisticated presence on screen and your physical beauty is simply unparalleled. We know of no other star who has the ability to exude sex and innocence and worldy wit - all at the same time. Just look at these screenshots from MTV!
As for the production itself … We are sorry to see that the executives at MTV have foisted upon you a group of 16 absurd men and 16 “women” who are undeserving of your attention. We cringed as we watched last night’s premiere, sympathetic to how you must have immediately intuited the crux of your dilemma: You will not find love here, not among these barnyard animals, these bouncers and strippers, these reality-program dregs who would not last one commercial break on a decent network. No, you will not find love.
You might, however, find a disease.
This is something we do not wish for you, Tila. Hear our plea: If your show were to air on VH1, things would be very, very different. (Dear faithful readers: If you agree, you should visit www.vh1wantstilatequila.com.) We implore you to bring your show here, Tila. Before it is too late, before you become so disillusioned with relationships, so deadened to the real and fulfilling nature of deep human connection, you become anhedonic and require serious medication simply to function.
Yes, your contestants are that bad. This is not hyperbole.
Episode 4 
