Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.

Haiku #1
Heidi’s face melts
more and more each week. And wow -
Those white shorts? Not hot.

Haiku #2
Stephen Coletti
Was way hotter in high school.
But still, they should bone!

Haiku #3
Lauren hates our hero.
Viva la Justin-Bobby!
Go piss that priss off.

Would you watch a show starring just Spencer and Heidi? We’ve been giving this question a lot of thought today, and we’re scared to admit our answer might be “yes.” Awful, we know, we but we’re addicted to watching people pretend to act real! Spencer was spotted pitching the terrible/wonderful idea to an MTV head, saying, “I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer.” By real he means fake, right? Allegedly the show Spencer wants to do would follow the couple as they plan their wedding, which is a bit confusing because that’s basically what they covered on the last season of The Hills But really, who cares. We’ll watch anything this couple does, and apparently so will the paparazzi. They’ve been following the happy pair all around NYC this week, tipped of by none other than - you guessed it - Spencer and Heidi themselves.  [NYP]

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt went on a dinner date last night at NYC’s Kobe Club. Not only does this ruin the The Hills‘ only semi-dramatic hook, which is that the two are now on “relationship vacation” and seem to be headed towards a complete breakup, but Heidi allegedly said the following gem to the press in regards to a possible Hills movie:

I’ve never discussed a movie possibility for The Hills … and I’m not sure if for my first movie I’d let Lauren Conrad narrate me, so I don’t think that would be something I would do. If I was doing movies, I’d want it to be with Denzel Washington or something like that. If they were to make a Hills movie, I wouldn’t be in it. No, thank you. The perfect movie I want to do is like Sydney Bristow [Jennifer Garner] on Alias I want to be, like, an action star. I want a big gun. Like Angelina Jolie roles. I want to be the badass.

Heidi, you star in a reality television show about spoiled twenty somethings that obsess over petty details in their self-important lives. This doesn’t mean that you have the talent to be a pop star, a fashion designer and a leading actress of Hollywood movies. It’s true that you have beautiful legs, but I wouldn’t sit by the phone waiting for Denzel’s people to call. [Photo: James Devaney/WireImage]

Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episode with a series of haiku poems about the show. Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below. As a bonus this week, we’ve added a video of Heidi Montag freestyling on TRL yesterday. It’s almost as horrific as her new clothing line, which should tell you a lot.

Haiku #1: Speidi
Heidi is SO mad.
Like really f*cking mad, you guys.
Where’s the camera?

Haiku #2: People’s Revolution
Kelly Cutrone can
take her job offer and shove it-
I mean, I accept!

Haiku #3: Girls Night
Audrina’s deep thoughts:
Yeah, like, me too, I know, yeah,
Me too! Totally.

Sick and tired of sitting at home wishing that you had the style sense to put together outfits like Heidi Montag of The Hills? Well now you can! Yes, YOU! Heidi has singlehandedly saved fashion by launching her own line - appropriately titled Heidiwood, natch - of sexalicious garments at super affordable prices! Craving some booty shorts and a zebra print tank top that shows off everything you don’t want people to see? Well this outfit can now be yours!* So what if Heidi never actually wears this stuff on the show - her name’s on it and she’s making money off of it, so it’s gotta be cool!

*Half curly-half straight weave and douchey boyfriend not included with this offer.

Check out Heidi modeling her new collection. Hot or not?

Our friends at CMT have added a little bit of southern hospitality to MTV’s popular reality show, and the result is Them Thar Hills, a spoof of Lauren and Heidi’s diva drama that proves that bible study is just as romantic as a night out at Hyde. Give it a watch and let us know what you think - is The Hills better when it goes down below the Mason-Dixon Line?

Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.

Haiku #1
Kelly Cutrone is
the HBIC. She scares
the sh*t out of me.

Haiku #2
Really Heidi? You
curled your hair to get your mirror?
High maintenance! Obvs.

Haiku #3
She-Pratt looks pretty
But way too skinny. She’s right -
Spencer, get a job!

“I’m honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of The Hills, especially since the new season started.”
- Republican Sentator John McCain speaking to Time.com, after learning that he had Heidi Montag’s endorsement for President. Lord help us. [Us]

Each week we’ll be recapping the most recent episode(s) of The Hills with haiku poems. Peep our work and then drop your own piece in our comments section. Trust us - The Hills is much easier to swallow in small bites!

Haiku #1
She-Pratt has it all -
Bad fashion taste, bad brother.
No wonder she’s mean.

Haiku #2
Why won’t you hug me?
Straight up truth: Brody Jenner smells
like desperation.

Haiku #3
Fake? Real? We can’t tell.
Heidi’s robot eyes can’t cry.
Is Whit’s job a sham?

Haiku #4
Lo. Sweet, skanky Lo.
You deserve your own show, girl.
We love all your ish.

Rejoice! The end might be near for Spencer and Heidi’s fraud-lationship! The couple was apparently in Vegas this week, yet while they traveled there together they slept far far apart. Heidi hit up the Palazzo for slumber, while Spencer terrorized the Hard Rock. A rep confirmed their time apart, saying, “Yes it is true. They are working on their relationship … They were there filming The Hills.”

Wait. Could this all just be a stunt to make the show juicier? We’d certainly tune in to watch these two officially end it, but we want the demise of their relationship to be real! We’d argue that Heidi deserves better, but we’re not even sure we believe that claim. [People]

You’ve seen the same drama from The Hills girls over and over again, but it’s a whole new beast when performed by senior citizens! We love this clip of two aging ladies hashing it out as Lauren and Heidi, in an encore performance of the girls’ final fight last season. You know the one - Heidi shows up at Lauren’s house with flowers, basically admits that Spencer started those sex tape rumors, and then tells Lauren to “have a nice life.” Our favorite! Give it a watch and you’ll be hooked on the geriatric version of the show and it’s stars. Orthopedic shoes are WAY better for you than stilettos, after all. [Celebitchy]