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Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episode with a series of haiku poems about the show. Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below. As a bonus this week, we’ve added a video of Heidi Montagfreestyling on TRL yesterday. It’s almost as horrific as her new clothing line, which should tell you a lot.
Haiku #1: Speidi
Heidi is SO mad.
Like really f*cking mad, you guys.
Where’s the camera?
Haiku #2: People’s Revolution
Kelly Cutrone can
take her job offer and shove it-
I mean, I accept!
Haiku #3:Girls Night
Audrina’s deep thoughts:
Yeah, like, me too, I know, yeah,
Me too! Totally.
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.
Haiku #1
Kelly Cutrone is
the HBIC. She scares
the sh*t out of me.
Haiku #2
Really Heidi? You
curled your hair to get your mirror?
High maintenance! Obvs.
Haiku #3
She-Pratt looks pretty
But way too skinny. She’s right -
Spencer, get a job!
Each week we’ll be recapping the most recent episode(s) of The Hills with haiku poems. Peep our work and then drop your own piece in our comments section. Trust us - The Hills is much easier to swallow in small bites!
Haiku #1
She-Pratt has it all -
Bad fashion taste, bad brother.
No wonder she’s mean.
Haiku #2
Why won’t you hug me?
Straight up truth: Brody Jenner smells
like desperation.
Haiku #3
Fake? Real? We can’t tell.
Heidi’s robot eyes can’t cry.
Is Whit’s job a sham?
Haiku #4
Lo. Sweet, skanky Lo.
You deserve your own show, girl.
We love all your ish.
The Hills began the second half of their third season last night, with the usual fanfare and slinky dresses. Since the bulk of the show involves blank stares and uneaten lunches, we’ve decided to honor the few moments of reality gold left in each ep with haiku recaps of the show. Because everything Lauren, Whitney, Audrina, and the Heid-monster do can totally be narrowed down to 5, 7 and 5 syllables.
It might totally help the mood to read our poem-caps with Heidi’s latest single “No More” playing in the background. Robots have never sounded so good! Novices may think this new jam is about Spencer (whose advice column just launched today), but we totally think the track is talking about her failed relationship with Lauren. She definitely made Heidi scared to open up!
Haiku #1
Oh my god, like wow.
Seriously, oh my god.
We’re in France, bitches!
Haiku #2
Who skis in make-up?
Spencer’s dream woman, obvi.
Go get her, tiger!
Holy shhhhhhhhhhhh*t! We can not stop freaking out! The greatest moment of television happened last night, and we lived through it. Barely. We still can’t decide if our favorite part was Whitney getting in a car to go to the airport, Lauren getting in a car to go to the airport, or Heidi getting in a car to go to the airport! Every second of the show was so interesting, so intense, so suspenseful. Would Lauren really pack that many shoes? Could Heidi really make that puckered sad face one hundred times in thirty minutes? And could Whitney save the whole episode with just one adorable face?
Looks like our Hills heroine finally realized that her flapper costume looked a lot sexier on paper than it did on her person. Better luck next Halloween!
Last night on The Hills, we learned a valuable lesson: Girls can hit other girls. Also, we learned that Lauren knows how to make one hardcore, reallllllly ugly face as her token reaction to everything.
We love Whitney. We love when Whitney works out, we love when Whitney wears lingerie with moccasins to go to a bar, and we REALLY love when Whitney calls herself “awkward.” Because honestly….
She’s right.
Below the jump: Jaret the trainer puts the moves on Whit, Spencer cringes when he enters a church and Heidi continues Whine Fest 2007!
Surely Justin Bobby had something thoughtful to say about all the drama between Lauren and Heidi on this week’s episode of The Hills…
…But he was too busy getting hammered on his date with Audrina and busting out some celebratory burps to care. By the way, that tattoo of a pair of scissors on his arm just reminded us that JB is not a grunge model or a professional motorcycle seat warmer, but a hairdresser. Interesting that he felt the need to express his passion for hair fashion on his arm but not on his head.
Under the jump - forgiving and forgetting at its best!
It doesn’t matter if Audrina, token brunette of The Hills, is talking about going to try to sign a band or the conflict in the Middle East. Everything that comes out of her mouth just sounds like sweet ol’ boringness. It’s a good thing she wears t-shirts as dresses to keep people - Justin Bobby, Hot Guy From Indie Band, Lauren, America - interested!
Below the jump we marvel at Whitney’s (lack of) brain power, Spencer’s gift buying skills, and Audrina and Justin’s matching outfits. Hills heaven awaits!
On this week’s episode of The Hills (by far the most boring one yet), it looked like Whitney wasn’t wearing a thing…and when she did finally put on clothes, you kinda wished you were seeing her nekkid. We’re pretty sure that b*tchy Teen Vogue editor Lisa Love agrees with us!
