That’s right: According to DListed, America’s poor little rich girl isn’t going to the Academy Awards on Sunday because she’s not allowed. Sources report: “She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars. She’s desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives.” Given Hilton’s track record at the box office, we’re amazed at her chutzpah.
Let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we? Let’s start with 2002′s Nine Lives, a thriller about a group of friends stranded in a Scottish mansion who awaken an ancient spirit . . . and wind up dying one by one. In that straight-to-DVD number, Paris played Paris. She was killed first, if memory serves, which was a blessing — her non-acting was too much to take. Then there was 2005′s House of Wax, another slasher, in which Paris also died, this time impaled through the forehead by a steel pole. While almost certainly a better film than Nine Lives, House of Wax was still so terrible that it earned a rating of 26% on Rotten Tomatoes. Impressive. And, most recently, there was The Hottie and the Nottie, a film that was so excruciatingly bad it only made $28,000 on its opening weekend. (Besides the Hilton family and the fanatics at Best Week Ever, who else went? ‘Fess up!)
When will Paris figure out that a career in film isn’t meant for her? To be fair, there are others in the same boat: Madonna, for instance, someone who actually is an entertainer, still thinks she can be an actress. Those of us who suffered through Swept Away would like to inform her otherwise. Perhaps Paris is bristling at her hostile reception by Hollywood’s power players? We can’t possibly imagine what she’s done that would make anyone think ill of her. Oh, wait. We forgot about the DUI, the jail drama, the sex tape, the shameless apology, the crocodile tears, the fragrance, The Simple Life and Nicole Richie. Maybe that’s what the Oscars are balking at — for some reason the Academy Awards still want to be taken seriously. Imagine that.