Katie Holmes is allegedly sick of her couch-jumping hubby, and is trying to take their toddle Suri and escape to the Big Apple. A source (clearly the Sur-meister) reveals that Tom’s claws are firmly in Katie’s skin, and he’s not letting her go anytime soon. “She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away,” spills the spy. “There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her.”

So what is a trapped wife to do to escape the wrath of her obsessed husband?

1. Train with Top Model’s Benny Ninja on how to dance one’s way through Tom’s elaborate laser security system.

2. Dig a tunnel from Chez Cruise to Victoria Beckham’s palace. Grab prepared lunch of soy beans from Posh and escape through her backyard.

3. Hideout with parents in Ohio for a few weeks. Tom will never think to look for his wife there - even with his giant Scientology-provided space satellite.

4. Arrive in New York via moped with Suri in a sidecar. Buy out the entire Plaza Hotel with all that Dawson’s Creek money and re-start career on Broadway! Guest star on Gossip Girl as an evil alum back to recruit new blood. Wear sweat pants. The new Katie is born (again!).  [Star]


Tags: Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Movies

We’ve been having a hard time looking at Katie Holmes lately. Something just looks off and we’re not quite sure we know what it is. Er, let’s rethink that - maybe it’s her noticeable weight lost and that severe hairdo; or perhaps it’s her desperate attempt at ripping off Posh Spice’s style. Oh, and the always uncomfortable and overbearing presence of her boss husband surely can’t help. Anyhoo, we miss the old Katie, the one who got engaged way to young and made craptastic movies about finding love as the President’s daughter. Amidst the mistakes of her youth she at least looked fresh-faced, carefree, and most importantly, alive. See for yourself!

Old Katie:

New Katie:

Katie Holmes‘ amazingly resilient boobs WERE too good to be true! We knew even a robot couldn’t withstand running 26.2 miles in that flimsy top. Anonymous internet sleuths have been attempting to unravel an possible NYC marathon conspiracy, which alleges that Katie Holmes did not run the entire race. Their proof?

• Katie’s choice of runner-unfriendly clothing, obvi.
• Her two trainers ran alongside her - one ran unregistered but wore a bib from 2003 and a tracking chip, and the other man, registered, ran the exact same split times as Katie, which many believe is impossible.
• Trainer Wesley Okerson’s mom reports that her son did indeed run the entire race with Katie, but we’re not so sure if that clears things up. Though she allegedly ran with her bodyguards the whole time, pics have surfaced of Wesley running the thing with Katie nowhere in sight. And there are no images of her running the race until the very end. Did she jump in for the last mile?

Not to knock the importance of this case, but aren’t there greater Kate-spiracies to worry about? We’re more desperate to know what’s she always hiding with those giant sunglasses, what baby factory she and Tom bought Suri from, and why they’re always laughing at nothing like a pair of crazies.


Tags: Katie Holmes Movies

Because this weekend’s films have received uniformly poor reviews, we’ve rounded up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. Mad Money is absurd and Katie Holmes apparently forgot how to act; 27 Dresses is just sort of sad; and Cloverfield is a special-effects trailer blown up to 84 minutes.

Mad Money:
“Don’t take the money, just run: And the cinematic comeback of the year award goes to . . . someone other than Katie Holmes, whose comedy Mad Money is the most cringe-making return since Love Boat: The Next Wave. Holmes, with Alice Cooper hair and crazy Jim Carrey eyes, looks terrible and acts worse, unless this movie is unintentionally a lobotomy documentary. Whatever could have happened to her in the last couple of years to zap the talent out of her like this?” — The New York Post, surreptitiously referring to Tom Cruise and, perhaps, the Church of Scientology

Read the rest of this entry »


Tags: Katie Holmes Cloverfield Mad Money 27 Dresses Movies

Katie Holmes Only Answers Easy Questions
It’s not that she’s avoiding those Scientology questions, it’s just that it’s pretty hard to explain how she became pregnant with the sperm of a dead dude. Check out video of Katie talking like a zombie on Good Morning America HERE.  [NYP]

Joel Madden Blogs About Baby
The new dad proudly reveals on his website that his new daughter “looks so much like her mom its crazy!” Ah right, because they both once weighed 7 pounds.  [Us]

OMG! High School Musical 3 Is Happening!
The whole cast is back! It’s a feature film! Tween freakout!!! [People]

Eva’s Not Jumping on the Baby Bandwagon
Nope, she’s just gained ten pounds from eating so much while on strike. Finally, someone sets a good example in Hollywood.  [People]

Ex-Manager Calls J. Lo “Unprofessional”
It’s a dumping whodunnit - J. Lo claims she gave her manager the boot on Friday, but his people dissed her and called her hubby “meddling.” Let’s just assume they’re all annoying and call it a day.  [NYDN]


Tags: Jennifer Lopez Katie Holmes Nicole Richie Eva Longoria Joel Madden Movies, Music, Television

No Baby for Fantasia
The singer has not hopped back on the baby train, she just missed a bunch of her Color Purple performances because she was sick. [Us]

Katie Holmes Called “Mom” by Tom’s Kids
And Isabella and Connor Cruise call their real mom, Nicole Kidman, “scary plastic-faced lady.” [People]

Larry Birkhead Wants Britney, Her Money
Anna Nicole’s ex is hot for another vulnerable crazy blond to mooch money from. Swoon! [In Touch]

Tony Parker Suing the Sh*t Out of Paps
Eva’s man is defending his name and suing x17 photo agency, who claimed that he was doing it with a French model. [TMZ]

Paris’ Pizza Boy: Modeling Career Falls Flat
Everything Paris Hilton touches turns to failure, after her pizza boy boyfriend gets dumped by his modeling agency. [TMZ]


Tags: Britney Spears Katie Holmes Paris Hilton Tony Parker Fantasia Movies, Music, Television

Hey Katie - this was was a realllllllly bad idea. The hair, not the husband - though you might want to reconsider that too. We’re a little put off by your shimmery, gold sweaterlette, but since it matches your man’s award, we’ll let it go (and then buy the knock-off of it at Forever 21 in a  few months, natch).  [Image: Getty]


Tags: Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Movies

Yesterday, the most romantic, real couple in the world celebrated the one-year anniversary of their marriage. Congraulations! Granted, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so in love they probably didn’t even notice. “Where did the time go?” they wonder as they watch their nanny bounce baby Suri in her baby swing. In case your stomach is strong enough to remember the roots of their love, check out this video that takes us all the way back to those carefree days of two years ago, when all Katie and Tom knew how to say was “excited,” “honored,” “amazing,” and “in love.” A special congrats to Ms. Kate - one year down, and only four more to go in your secret Scientology love contract! Don’t feel bad, we’d probably take the money too. [Images: Getty]


Tags: Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Movies

Jennifer Lopez is Pregnant – Surprised?
The worst kept secret in the world is out after J.Lo confirms her pregnancy at her Miami show. She can finally get back to wearing regular ol’ sexy clothes now. Phew! [Us]

Lindsay’s Crashed Mercedes for Sale
Feel like blowing over $100,000 on a cokehead’s car? Bid on Lindsay’s wrecked ride - it’s up on Ebay (she must really need some cash). [NYP]

Rosie’s Rumored Show Gets Canned
But never fear, she’s blogged all about it on her site! Guess it wasn’t meant 2b. [Us]

Ashley and Lance’s Sleepover
They keep hooking up and we keep getting more grossed out. Friend are claiming Lance might be having a midlife crisis - but really he just likes young tail. [Us]

Tom Gushes Over Katie - Again
Tom: “Katie’s an inspiration!” Katie: “Tom is all things love and light!” Suri: “Someone pay attention to me!” [People]


Tags: Katie Holmes Lindsay Lohan Rosie O'Donnell Tom Cruise Ashley Olsen Jennifer Lopez Lance Armstrong Movies, Music

Movie premieres, awards shows, benefit concerts, and plain old clubbin’ – even though most of us are at home, the beautiful peeps are living it up somewhere. About Last Night puts you in touch with all the action.

Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Bai Ling, Alexa Vega, and Kristen Bell attended the Official Launch of Ubisoft’s “Assassin’s Creed.”

Tom Cruise was saluted by the Museum of the Moving Image. Wife Katie Holmes, Julianne Moore, Ellen Barkin, Tim Robbins, and Leelee Sobieski were among the fellow actors honoring the Hollywood mainstay.


Tags: Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Lauren Conrad Photos

Mrs. Tom Cruise ran the New York City Marathon this weekend, finishing the race in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. Impressive! She may have come in 34,195th place, but she’s first place in Tommy’s heart, who noted that his wife’s strength was “amazing.” What’s more amazing are Katie’s strange running habits that seem to signal to us that she’s not quite human - or maybe, she’s more than human?

Exhibit #1:  Katie appears to have run 26.2 miles without a bra. Ouch! The only people who are supposed to do this are men, Katie. Or, women who feel no pain. Robot women, perhaps?

Exhibit #2:  Katie also ran her marathon in pants. Long black cotton pants. That chafe. In warm weather. Super human Lance Armstrong and friends wore running shorts, but non-humans can wear whatever they want, it seems!

Exhibit #3:  Just hours after finishing the marathon, Katie was out on the town - in heels! - escorting her hubby to the premiere of his new film. Most people are in bed, passed out, or making out with a plate of spaghetti after running a marathon. Not Katie! She can do anything - because she’s not like most people. She’s not a person at all.


Tags: Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Movies