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Why, Oprah, why? Our talk queen heroine has invited the king of crazy back on her show to celebrate the 25th anniversary of his flick Risky Business. Tommy will make not one, but TWO appearances on her show in May to coincide with the sweeps season, when all of America tunes in to see what the networks can cough up before the TV execs speed away to the Hamptons for the summer and leave us watching reruns of Home Improvement on cable.
Tom’s rep gushed that, “He is really looking forward to it.” Of course he is. The guy is excited about EVERYTHING. So get ready for the most intense two hours of television America - and when it’s over, pour a little bit of Cristal out for your girl Katie Holmes, who experiences that insanity on a daily basis. Poor thing.
Katie Holmes is allegedly sick of her couch-jumping hubby, and is trying to take their toddle Suri and escape to the Big Apple. A source (clearly the Sur-meister) reveals that Tom’s claws are firmly in Katie’s skin, and he’s not letting her go anytime soon. “She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away,” spills the spy. “There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her.”
So what is a trapped wife to do to escape the wrath of her obsessed husband?
1. Train with Top Model’sBenny Ninja on how to dance one’s way through Tom’s elaborate laser security system.
2. Dig a tunnel from Chez Cruise to Victoria Beckham’s palace. Grab prepared lunch of soy beans from Posh and escape through her backyard.
3. Hideout with parents in Ohio for a few weeks. Tom will never think to look for his wife there - even with his giant Scientology-provided space satellite.
4. Arrive in New York via moped with Suri in a sidecar. Buy out the entire Plaza Hotel with all that Dawson’s Creek money and re-start career on Broadway! Guest star on Gossip Girl as an evil alum back to recruit new blood. Wear sweat pants. The new Katie is born (again!). [Star]
Looks like Scientology is looking to recruit some fresh blood, and being that they’re an equal opportunity establishment, they’d like some African-American representatives to preach their gospel. According to Radar, Kimora Lee Simmons and Will Smith and his wife Jada are the latest couch-jumpers to join the ranks. Smith and his wife — longtime friends and photo opps of Tom Cruise — make sense, but Kimora? Apparently the recently sperminated Baby Phat founder distributed copies of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s The Way To Happiness at her kids’ school. Umm…inappropriate?
And speaking of inappropriate, or maybe just awkward, more evidence of Tom Cruise’s completely bizarro ways has surfaced in the form of his birthday video from a few years back. After a video montage with accompanying music to Tommy’s greatest scenes, Tom hops on stage for a
rousing rendition of “Old Time Rock And Roll.” Just goes to show kids: Scientology might make you famous, but it won’t make you any less tone deaf.
Well, not Bart Simpson exactly (though wouldn’t that just be precious?!), but the woman behind the voice of America’s adorable cartoon troublemaker, Nancy Cartwright. The vocal talent, who apparently makes $250,000 per Simpsons episode, donated $10 million dollars to the Church of Scientology, of which she is a longtime member. Her contribution was put toward their creepy “Global Salvage” movement, the goal of which is “to rid mankind of psychology ills and other “aberrant behavior.”
Way to go, Nancy! She also beat out other uber-famous Scientologists with her donation. Tom “Demon Eyes” Cruise and Jenny Craig hawker Kirstie Alley gave a measly $5 million each, while John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston plopped down $1 million a piece. We can only imagine what kid of good deeds that cash is being used for, but we welcome a couple Gs thrown our way to rid us of our taco-addicted ills and aberrant habit of not wearing designer jeans. [Page Six]
First, we’d like to thank whichever Scientology traitor is releasing all the wonderful Tom Cruise videos, as well as this email, allegedly from King of Queens actress Leah Remini. Yes, the rambling, confusing email could simply be a hoax. But what’s fun about approaching this crap with reason?
Below are a couple of excerpts from the supposed email, in which Remini (allegedly) guilt-trips lazy Scientologists into getting back involved with the church, beginning with some brunch she’s holding. The rest is the usual Scientology lingo you’ve come to know and love: SPs, OTs, ORGs, CS, LRH, FARTS, etc etc. It should only take you a few days to figure out what it all means!
Leah starts:
Hi! This is Leah Remini Writing you again. Some of you may know me from
the TV show “King of Queens”, but what is more important is that I am now OT V and at one point I was a very stalled Clear. A lot of people helped me to get OT, and I decided I was going to turn around and help every Clear make it to OT.
We love this new video - featuring Jerry O’Connell - which simultaneously mocks Tom Cruise and supports the Writers Strike all at once. Talk about some serious KSW! Jerry’s imitation of Tom’s excessive laughing and demon proves that the guy still can act, even if he did do his best work when he was 11.
Meanwhile, superhero Stephen Colbert paid tribute to his striking writers with a riveting rendition of the old gospel hymn, “Go Down Moses (Let My People Go).” Singing beside him are Ambassador Andrew Young, Tipping Point author Malcolm Gladwell, and the Harlem Gospel Choir. Poignant and hilarious in that “I’m not really laughing but this is smart and funny” sort of way.
Just when we were getting sick of Tom Cruise’s intense gaze and sci-fi slang, comes a new video of the actor winning the IAS Freedom Medal of Valor in some Scientology auditorium or temple surrounded by fellow worshippers worshipping him. What an honor! If you enjoy strange salutes, inside jokes, and eerie calls to arms made by movie stars with massive egos, then this is totally your thing. So my fellow SPs, enjoy this clip quickly before it’s snatched off the web by Xenu. LRH would want you to!
Updated: All six of the juicy Tom Cruise Scientology Videos can be found here in order. Did you know Tom Cruise is singlehandedly responsibly for saving and curing the firemen who fell ill after rescuing people at the World Trade Center on 9-11? Watch and learn!
Paula’s Superbowl Show a “Massive Disaster”
Insiders are saying Paula’s half time show is gonna straight up suck. But America will watch because she’s forever our girl. Rush, rush to your TV! [TMZ]
Amy’s Hubby Ready To Divorce
Her man threatened divorce after a major fight. Has Blake finally gotten off the drugs and wised up in jail? [DListed]
K-Fed’s Lawyer Talks Up his Client
Kevin’s suit is claiming that Brit’s Ex wants to raise their kids together. Don’t lie, Kev. We’d be stoked about sole custody too. [People]
Yesterday, Radar hit the jackpot with a video of Tom Cruise raving about what it mean to be a Scientologist that was shot by the Church for Scientologist eyes only. The clip was nine minutes long but we watched it numerous times - because not only was it bizarre and a little frightening, it was hard to understand what he was talking about. Those guys have a lot of lingo that us regular humans just don’t get. “KSW?” “SPs?” How about WTF? And just when we were all psyched to post the video here for you to enjoy, those pesky Churchies took it down, “due to a copyright claim by Church of Scientology International.” Creepy.
Oh wait - we just found it! Phew. So enjoy Tom’s maniacal laughing and dagger eyes, and just in case it gets zapped off the web again, here are some choice quotes from the video that chill our bones. If only Katie Holmes had seen this before she hopped on the spaceship.
“I won’t hesitate to put ethics in on someone else. Because I put it ruthlessly in on myself.”
“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident… you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.”
“But that’s what drives me… I know that we have an opportunity to really help… effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.”
“Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean. That’s what I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know I have to do something about it.”
“I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and wooly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast, it really is fun because, dammit, there is nothing better than the going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better.”
Bounty Hunter Star Busted in the Nude
Dog’s bro and fellow bounty hunter Tim Chapman was arrested after cops found him naked in his truck getting busy with himself. Bad judgment must run in the family. [TMZ]
K-Fed Gets the Kids
Brit’s out and Kevin’s in as the sole custodian of their two kids. Phew - there’s still time for them not to get completely f*cked up. [TMZ]
Nicole Kidman: Knocked Up and Nervous
Nic’s dropped out of her latest film to maintain her health while pregnant - and to hide from the world without her botox. [NY Post]
Is Tom Cruise Scientology’s #2?
A new unauthorized biography alleges that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s second-in-command and that Katie was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm. Um, duh? [NYDN]
Brangelina Pretends to be Normal in Missouri
Brad’s brood relaxed and hit up a local pizza place while visiting his family in Missouri and basked in the lack of attention they received from locals. Psst, Brange - they were ignoring your asses! [Us]
- A source dishing on Tom Cruise’s generous tipping calls him “a big giver.” Hmmm. That’s not going to do anything to halt the gay rumors, now is it? [Dlisted]
- Janet Jackson lands on the cover of a magazine called Prestige. The synergy of wishful thinking and publishing is a powerful, powerful thing. [CONCRETELOOP]
- A (pseudo-) sex tape from Mobb Deep’s Prodigy surfaces almost simultaneously with the announcement of his next solo album. I don’t see nothin’ wrong wit’ a little…cross-promotion. [Crunk + Disorderly]
- In related news, Amy Fischer is DJing a release party for her sex tape. Cross-promotion: 2; Dignity: 0. [Best Week Ever]
- Fergie and Josh Duhamel share a day painting at the beach. Burying each other in the sand would have been a greater service to the world, but hey, can’t have everything. [Pop Sugar]
Why, Oprah, why? Our talk queen heroine has invited the king of crazy back on her show to celebrate the 25th anniversary of his flick Risky Business. Tommy will make not one, but TWO appearances on her show in May to coincide with the sweeps season, when all of America tunes in to see what the networks can cough up before the TV execs speed away to the Hamptons for the summer and leave us watching reruns of Home Improvement on cable.
Looks like Scientology is looking to recruit some fresh blood, and being that they’re an equal opportunity establishment, they’d like some African-American representatives to preach their gospel. 
Bounty Hunter Star Busted in the Nude
- A source dishing on Tom Cruise’s generous tipping calls him “a big giver.” Hmmm. That’s not going to do anything to halt the gay rumors, now is it? [
