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Kirstie Alley Talks Like Tom Cruise
The Cheers star is quoted in Scientology’s church magazine rattling on about mankind, saving the world and the “fourth dynamic.” All she needs is a couch to jump on and she’s good to go. [NYP]
Jacko’s Back – But Just for the Grammys
The surgically enhanced star will appear on-stage during music’s biggest night as part of some sort of Thriller tribute. [NYDN]
Akon, the buff African-American superstar with the dulcet voice and penchant for, uh, escalating interactions between artist and audience, had the privilege of duetting with the Gloved One on “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” for Thriller 25, the anniversary edition of Michael Jackson’s storied album. The record won’t be out until February 12th, but we’re streaming that track for you, here and now. And since we’ve had the privilege of listening to it, let’s just say that it’s a real duet, not one of those that stop with backing vocals added to the chorus. Between this and Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music,” the lyrics “Mama-se, mama-sa, ma-ma-koo-sa” have rarely had so much exposure.
- Mariah Carey puts makeup on her boobs. I wonder if the, “Ladies pinch, whores wear rouge” rule applies? [CityRag]
- Star Jones and Sherri Shepherd sign up for a revival of The Vagina Monologues. Let’s hope they spare us the view. [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Beyoncé and Jay-Z sit side-to-side using laptops. They use computers to hide their disinterest for each other, too. Celebrities are just like us! [Cake & Ice Cream]
- Michael Jackson is considering playing London this year. Whether that “playing” will involve music or with little boys is not yet clear. [Bossip]
- And finally, I offer no puns, wordplay or insight really, and yet I think the following statement is absolutely vital: Dr. Phil is a donkey’s ass. An ass’ ass, even. [Dlisted]
It’s been 25 short years since Michael Jackson released Thriller and changed the music industry forever. In the intervening years, the self-appointed King of Pop has undeniably been plagued with problems, but notwithstanding his biography, Thriller, which has gone platinum an astounding 27 times, remains an incredible collection of hit singles. You can’t deny it. And if you try to deny it, we’ll play you “P.Y.T.” or something and dare you not to dance. Good frickin’ luck.
The 25th anniversary edition of the album will feature the videos, the music, a live performance, and the help of a few friends: Kanye West, will.i.am and Akon. We’re looking forward to “Billie Jean 2008″ with Kanye in particular, though hearing what Akon has going on “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” is a fairly intriguing proposal as well. In unrelated news: the Francis Ford Coppola-directed masterpiece Captain Eo will not be included, much to all of our sadness.
- Remy Ma walks to her court hearing for assault while sucking on a lollipop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a conviction? Let’s find out! [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Christina Ricci resembles a meerkat. Makes sense: you are what you eat like. [CityRag]
- Michael Jackson is pointy. And I’m not referring to his cheekbones or chin! [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
- Lindsay Lohan leaves the house wearing plaid leggings. So much for rehab. [Dlisted]
- Erykah Badu is set to sing a song called “Vibrate On” during an appearance on Girlfriends. The encore will be a ditty titled “OK, Now I’m Sore.” [SOULBOUNCE.com]
In the December issue of Ebony, Michael Jackson grants his first magazine interview in 10 years and boy, is it…boring. You should start reading any superstar interview expecting a very guarded self-portrayal, but this one is virtually missing all signs of Jackson-family nonsense. Sadness! According to Mike, Ne-Yo and Chris Brown are “wonderful,” Stevie Wonder is a “prophet,” global warming is scary and presidential elections aren’t worth following. Fas. Cin. A. Ting. The only shred of dirt comes via the nickname Quincy gave Mike during the creation of Thriller, as alluded to above. Says M.J.:
“Quincy calls me a nickname, ‘Smelly’…Back then, especially back then — I say a few swear words now — but especially then, you couldn’t get me to swear. So I would say, ‘That’s a smelly song.’ That would mean, ‘It’s so great,’ that you’re engrossed in it. So he would call me ‘Smelly.’“
Now when people call Michael Jackson “Smelly,” they’re referring to the formaldehyde that’s preserving him. You know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. For the complete interview and more airbrushed-to-womanhood pictures, hit up ohnotheydidnt.
We heart Kid Nation, so it’s only natural that this video mash up featuring train wreck Michael Jackson circa 2003 is playing our heart strings like a banjo this morning. We like to imagine how Michael might have ended up wreaking havoc on Bonanza City:
“Okay kids, you won the reward challenge, now here are your two rewards that the Town Council must choose between. Under the first fake old time-y crate, a roasted pig party, complete with grits, hush puppies and Kool Aid! And inside this gilded replica of a 1840’s submarine, musical sensation turned creepy plastic surgery addict, Michael Jackson! So Town Council, what do you pick as your reward?”
Are there any other Kid Nation fans who screamed at the TV last night in joy when Anjay beat that prissy b*tch Olivia in town elections? We’re still celebrating - you can probably smell the root beer on our breath this morning. As for Taylor - she’ll do a lot better being a brat on the bench, don’t you think? Now she really doesn’t have to follow any rules which means her inner Paris Hilton can finally shine. Also, what ever happened to that kid with the purple mohawk? We haven’t seen him since he pushed a wagon in the first episode - is it possible that he’s secretly the same kid as ejected Council member Mike? [via JustJared]
- Brad Pitt says if he and Angelina Jolie have more kids, they’re going to need a bigger bed. Adopting kids is like Jaws, but scarier. [Dlisted]
- Michael Jackson reportedly spent three hours getting his hair did before a recent photo shoot. But you know that he looked SO HOT after, so it was worth it. [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Mark Ronson releases the video for “Valerie” featuring an Amy Winehouse impersonator. As If anyone could possibly throw up on herself with the same panache as Amy. Really, there’s no comparison. [Popbytes]
- Sharon Stone’s dress looks dangerously like a tampon. The better to soak up the excess Botox with? [Best Week Ever]
- Paris Hilton’s exposed crotch scales new heights. So this must mean her career is on an upward trajectory. [CityRag]
For the last couple of days, we’ve been having some good laffs at the way the jailbirds of a certain Phillipines detention center have spent their time recreating Jacko and company’s 1983 video opus. John Landis spent $800K making his dance troupe and camera operators get everything coordinated. Methinks that it wasn’t quite so expensive for the orange-clad scalawags who populate the prison.
You read that headline correctly. The King of Pop is checking out vacation homes on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. His publicist told the Washington Post, "He’s always admired the properties on the East Coast because they have
a lot of land. Neverland has 3,000 acres—he
likes privacy. You can’t find as many properties like that on the West
Coast."
Get your evacuation plans ready, Maryland residents! You’re about to be flooded - with craziness. But hey, maybe Michael is a good neighbor. At least your kids could go next door and play in his amusement park.
- Michael Jackson taps his spokesman to clear up some "misconceptions." Things that didn’t make the list: plastic surgery, the Elephant Man’s bones and whether or not he and La Toya are the same person. Those you can keep on believing. [A Socialite's Life]
- Katie Holmes‘ hands are alien-esque. Tom is so proud. [Dlisted]
- Angelina Jolie is called out for being good to her fans by a paparazzo. I don’t know what’s more surprising: that Angelina is personable or that a celebrity photog is refraining from biting the hand that feeds him. [CityRag]
- Speaking of Angelina, ex hubby Billy Bob Thornton may soon move into a house that’s close to her pad. Or, as Billy Bob likes to call it, the blood bank. [Just Jared]
- Shar Jackson is photographed with her negative pregnancy test. Not pictured: Shar Jackson’s negative relevancy test. [Crunk + Disorderly]
Heath’s Autopsy Reports Almost Ready
- Mariah Carey puts makeup on her boobs. I wonder if the, “Ladies pinch, whores wear rouge” rule applies? [
- Remy Ma walks to her court hearing for assault while sucking on a lollipop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a conviction? Let’s find out! [
In the December issue of 
- Brad Pitt says if he and Angelina Jolie have more kids, they’re going to need a bigger bed. Adopting kids is like Jaws, but scarier. [
