Those poor Sheen kids. Sam and Lola, ages 4 and 3, are already as screwed up as can be, and they haven’t even been around for half a decade! The tots are currently in therapy, and it’s not like they can yet weep over the fact that their mom was in Playboy a bunch or claim to be f*cked up from, you know, all the hooker-banging their dad Charlie Sheen did (does?). They can barely even talk yet! They’re gonna be stuck in therapy forever, and they’ve barely lived. Poor things. Here’s what their potty-mouthed mommy Denise Richards told In Touch, “My kids are in therapy. It’s very sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it’s good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate.”

Let’s hope that shrink is teaching them to place the blame for all their problems squarely on their rents. Charlie and Denise deserve it!

Someone (nice work Denise!) leaked some old messages from Charlie Sheen left on Denise Richards voicemail, and boy are they pleasant! Here’s a little bit of the sweet nothings he whispered into her phone (this will be the worst thing you ever read, so cover your eyes if necessary):

You’re a f*cking liar. So, you know what it’s like, f*ck you. Okay, I hope you rot in f*cking hell. You’re a piece of sh*t f*cking liar and I hope you f*cking rot in hell. So f*ck you. I hope I never f*cking talk to you again you f*cking c*nt. F*ck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a f*cking n*gger alright, so f*ck you.

Charlie of course had to apologize (but not to Denise), because that’s some effed up stuff right there. “I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings. And for the record, my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation. So three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis.”

Wow. Can’t you just feel the craziness?

After a couple of episodes of Denise Richards dropping C Bombs on her new reality TV career ruiner, we’re proud to be Captain of Team Denise. Sure she seems, uh, fragile, but it doesn’t mean her accusations against Charlie Sheen are false. Also, even my grandma knows that he loves hookers. So when do you think Brooke Mueller, who married Charlie this weekend, is gonna realize her hubby might be super kooky, even if he is wonderfully rich?

• Two weeks - Just like Eddie Murphy’s recent never-wife and Ali Landry (who dumped Mario Lopez after their honeymoon), Brooke will figure out just what kind of mess she’s married and run 14 days later.
• Two months - If two months of marriage is good enough for Pam Anderson and Rock Salomon, surely Brooke can make it that long!
• Two years - It took BritBrit over two years to figure out K-Fed was up to no good. Think Brooke and Charlie can make it this long?

Paris Hilton Saves the Planet
The heiress is helping the earth by buying a hybrid car. Maybe she could stop polluting it with her skanky outfits and cheap perfume, too. [Yahoo]

The Hills Girls Get Boozy
Vogue intern Lauren Conrad got a little too buzzed at The Hills finale party. Is it because the word is out that her Parisian love interest may be a plant? [NYP]

Reese Witherspoon’s a Bossy Co-Star
The actress is letting her Type A attitude flow on the set of her new movie with mellow dude Vince Vaughn. Somewhere her ex-husband is laughing. [NYDN]

Britney’s a Bad Boss
Brit got busted by paps who got her on video showing driving away from a gas station and leaving her assistant behind. [TMZ]

Charlie Sheen’s Psycho About Decorating
We love this picture of Charlie Sheen’s mansion decked out in X-Mas lights almost as much as we love his scandalous past. There’s gotta be something x-rated going on in that wholesome looking house!

Please enjoy this poem constructed solely and completely from emails Charlie Sheen allegedly sent to his ex-wife Denise Richards. His emails are now a part of documents filed in the couple’s custody battle over their two daughters. Charlie’s words are the stuff of true poetic genius - honest, gut wrenching, pure, and totally f*cking mean. Bravo, young scribe.

Justin Finally Blabs About Britney
On yesterday’s Oprah, JT reveals that he’ll always have love for the messed up star, but doesn’t know how she ended up in the rough spot she’s in today. How about millions of dollars and Cheetos? [Us Weekly]

Kate Moss Sucks at Fashion
The model went out on the town and came home so messed up that her dress was torn and reconstructed. She’s the British Britney - just with a better accent. [Mollygood]

Charlie Sheen Battles Ex for Kids
The actor and his ex Denise Richards just can’t control themselves when it comes to talking trash and filing legal complaints concerning their kids. For the sake of your children - shut the eff up. [DLsited]

Matt McConaughey Covers for Owen
The stable hunk is set to replace the less stable hunk in the movie “Tropic Thunder.” It’s so nice when bros got each others backs. [Variety]

Lindsay Lohan Penning Memoir?
LiLo may be hitting up the typewriter to detail all the crazy sh*t she’s done for your reading pleasure. Sounds like perfect beach bitch reading! [I'm Not Obsessed]

Just a normal day of looniness in La La Land: Charlie Sheen revealed yesterday that his ex-wife Denise Richards has asked him to help her get pregnant with a child - even though they’re getting a divorce. Apparently she made “a request for a donation,” which the Two and a Half Men star is now using in his custody battle with his ex-wife. Ewww - it’s like she wants a little party favor to remind her of all their good times. Couldn’t she get some other Hollywood schlub to volunteer for the job? That’s like asking your dog to crap in the house…or something equally as wrong. Denise of course denies it, but her ex claim to have the request in writing. When asked if he’d comply, Sheen replied, “I would sooner, in exactly what I’m wearing, walk on the surface of the moon. Does that answer it?”

Yep. Yep it does. But here’s an astronaut helmet, just in case. [Image: Getty]

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- Is Pam Anderson dating a gay man? Given that she looks like a jaundiced drag queen on a good day, it’s more than possible. [Dlisted]

- Usher’s fragrance debuts. It contains notes of diapers, old lady and leather whips. But mostly diapers. [Crunk + Disorderly]

- Why the hell does Janet Jackson have a different body every time you see her? Maybe there are many Janets populating the world to confuse us. Michael, is that you under that weave? [CONCRETELOOP]

- Tobey Maguire dons spandex for a bike ride. Clearly, he’s having a hard time letting Spider-Man go. [A Socialite's Life]

- Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards‘ custody battle is turning ugly. It’s a shame when stuff like that happens to people who are aging so gracefully. [Yeeeah!]

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