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Remember how Lindsay Lohan - that super-talented spoiled brat - was going to redeem her fallen acting career in a new flick about Charlie Manson and his followers? We’ll it ain’t gonna happen, because no other actor would agree to work with the redhead! According to bloggerNikki Finke, “Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn’t find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her. (And even some name actors…)”
Hahaha! Ha. As Finke points out, us gossip hags may love LiLo’s drama, but people in the biz won’t stand for it. Too bad she never learned that life lesson in one of her three rehab stints. And even the benefits of her treatment seem to be wearing off, as she was spotted sneaking tequila shots with Hills ringleader Lauren Conrad. Drowning her career sorrows, perhaps?
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below, after you glance at the glorious girl party on the cover of the latest issue of Rolling Stone. Think they hated having to be in the same room?
Haiku #1
Oh Stephanie Pratt
We’d be so loyal to you
If not for your bangs.
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.
Haiku #1
Heidi’s face melts
more and more each week. And wow -
Those white shorts? Not hot.
Haiku #2
Stephen Coletti
Was way hotter in high school.
But still, they should bone!
Haiku #3
Lauren hates our hero.
Viva la Justin-Bobby!
Go piss that priss off.
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episode with a series of haiku poems about the show. Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below. As a bonus this week, we’ve added a video of Heidi Montagfreestyling on TRL yesterday. It’s almost as horrific as her new clothing line, which should tell you a lot.
Haiku #1: Speidi
Heidi is SO mad.
Like really f*cking mad, you guys.
Where’s the camera?
Haiku #2: People’s Revolution
Kelly Cutrone can
take her job offer and shove it-
I mean, I accept!
Haiku #3:Girls Night
Audrina’s deep thoughts:
Yeah, like, me too, I know, yeah,
Me too! Totally.
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.
Haiku #1
Kelly Cutrone is
the HBIC. She scares
the sh*t out of me.
Haiku #2
Really Heidi? You
curled your hair to get your mirror?
High maintenance! Obvs.
Haiku #3
She-Pratt looks pretty
But way too skinny. She’s right -
Spencer, get a job!
Each week we’ll be recapping the most recent episode(s) of The Hills with haiku poems. Peep our work and then drop your own piece in our comments section. Trust us - The Hills is much easier to swallow in small bites!
Haiku #1
She-Pratt has it all -
Bad fashion taste, bad brother.
No wonder she’s mean.
Haiku #2
Why won’t you hug me?
Straight up truth: Brody Jenner smells
like desperation.
Haiku #3
Fake? Real? We can’t tell.
Heidi’s robot eyes can’t cry.
Is Whit’s job a sham?
Haiku #4
Lo. Sweet, skanky Lo.
You deserve your own show, girl.
We love all your ish.
You’ve seen the same drama from The Hills girls over and over again, but it’s a whole new beast when performed by senior citizens! We love this clip of two aging ladies hashing it out as Lauren and Heidi, in an encore performance of the girls’ final fight last season. You know the one - Heidi shows up at Lauren’s house with flowers, basically admits that Spencer started those sex tape rumors, and then tells Lauren to “have a nice life.” Our favorite! Give it a watch and you’ll be hooked on the geriatric version of the show and it’s stars. Orthopedic shoes are WAY better for you than stilettos, after all. [Celebitchy]
The Hills began the second half of their third season last night, with the usual fanfare and slinky dresses. Since the bulk of the show involves blank stares and uneaten lunches, we’ve decided to honor the few moments of reality gold left in each ep with haiku recaps of the show. Because everything Lauren, Whitney, Audrina, and the Heid-monster do can totally be narrowed down to 5, 7 and 5 syllables.
It might totally help the mood to read our poem-caps with Heidi’s latest single “No More” playing in the background. Robots have never sounded so good! Novices may think this new jam is about Spencer (whose advice column just launched today), but we totally think the track is talking about her failed relationship with Lauren. She definitely made Heidi scared to open up!
Haiku #1
Oh my god, like wow.
Seriously, oh my god.
We’re in France, bitches!
Haiku #2
Who skis in make-up?
Spencer’s dream woman, obvi.
Go get her, tiger!
Lauren Conrad (seen above in her own design) debuted her latest fashion collection in Hollywood last week, just as her former BFF Heidi Montag was doing press for her new line, coming to Anchor Blue in April. Heidi aimed some fighting words at her frenemy, telling Us Weekly, “Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear. She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress.”
She has a point, but can most people afford to go out in a zebra-print tank top? You can check out some other pics of Heidi’s line here, as well as some pieces from Lauren’s collection below. If neither of the girls’ designs appeal to you, never fear, Hills hottie Whitney Port is also launching a collection of cute party dresses, tops and jackets. Poor Audrina better think of something fashion-related to do, and fast!
The Hills is back on MTV in less than two weeks (set those tivos for March 24th), and the girls have been keeping busy in various drama-filled ways, obviously. Lauren, Lo and Audrina are all moved in to their mansion-sized bachelorette pad, which means all the fighting crying and hook-ups can now neatly be contained in one space! Valley girl Audrina is set to appear with the Pussycat Dolls (just like the pic above, natch) to celebrate the show’s new season, Lauren made up with enemy Kristin Cavallari and even invited the valley girl to her fashion week debut last night! Awww, our little bitches are all grown up. And speaking of women with attitudes, we especially enjoyed this Hills sneak peak at Heidi and her mom ganging up on Spencer when he apparently surprises her in Colorado.
The ladies of The Hills may be all grown up, but the drama remains the same. You can take a hot, popular girl out of high school, but you can’t take the high school out of the hot, popular girl! Thank god.
Haven’t you missed watching Lauren and Audrina stare at each other while they down cocktails/avoid carbs/workout? We sure have! The Hills is our greatest guilty pleasure that we still don’t quite get, and we’re anxiously awaiting it’s return to the small screen on March 24th. Luckily we’ve got this brand-new teaser to tie us over for the next month, and it’s gotten us all excited for what’s to come. Lauren is in Paris! Whitney is ready to quit her job at Teen Vogue! Brody has moved on with a new girlfriend! Ouch. As for Audrina, we can only assume she’s sitting on the couch in her apartment waiting for Lauren with a blank stare and a smile.
Noticeably absent from the video clip are bad seeds Spencer and Heidi, but never fear, they’ve been keeping very busy. On Valentine’s Day last week the pair hopped on a yacht, sipped champagne, chowed on chocolate-covered strawberries and recreated that “king of the world!” scene from Titanic, for all the world to see. Just your average couple gettin’ romantic, ya’ll! Heidi’s also hard at work at that album she’s been pimping for a while, and her BF claims it’s gonna be all sorts of awesome. “When people hear what we have in the bank, it’s gonna blow their minds,” Spencer gushed. “Madonna, eat your heart out. Britney Spears, eat your heart out.”
We’ll eat our heart out too, if it means we don’t have to listen. Please?
Remember how Lindsay Lohan - that super-talented spoiled brat - was going to redeem her fallen acting career in a new flick about Charlie Manson and his followers? We’ll it ain’t gonna happen, because no other actor would agree to work with the redhead! According to blogger Nikki Finke, “Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn’t find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her. (And even some name actors…)”
