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Would you watch a show starring just Spencer and Heidi? We’ve been giving this question a lot of thought today, and we’re scared to admit our answer might be “yes.” Awful, we know, we but we’re addicted to watching people pretend to act real! Spencer was spotted pitching the terrible/wonderful idea to an MTV head, saying, “I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer.” By real he means fake, right? Allegedly the show Spencer wants to do would follow the couple as they plan their wedding, which is a bit confusing because that’s basically what they covered on the last season of The Hills But really, who cares. We’ll watch anything this couple does, and apparently so will the paparazzi. They’ve been following the happy pair all around NYC this week, tipped of by none other than - you guessed it - Spencer and Heidi themselves. [NYP]
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt went on a dinner date last night at NYC’s Kobe Club. Not only does this ruin the The Hills‘ only semi-dramatic hook, which is that the two are now on “relationship vacation” and seem to be headed towards a complete breakup, but Heidi allegedly said the following gem to the press in regards to a possible Hills movie:
I’ve never discussed a movie possibility for The Hills … and I’m not sure if for my first movie I’d let Lauren Conrad narrate me, so I don’t think that would be something I would do. If I was doing movies, I’d want it to be with Denzel Washington or something like that. If they were to make a Hills movie, I wouldn’t be in it. No, thank you. The perfect movie I want to do is like Sydney Bristow [Jennifer Garner] on Alias I want to be, like, an action star. I want a big gun. Like Angelina Jolie roles. I want to be the badass.
Heidi, you star in a reality television show about spoiled twenty somethings that obsess over petty details in their self-important lives. This doesn’t mean that you have the talent to be a pop star, a fashion designer and a leading actress of Hollywood movies. It’s true that you have beautiful legs, but I wouldn’t sit by the phone waiting for Denzel’s people to call. [Photo: James Devaney/WireImage]
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episode with a series of haiku poems about the show. Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below. As a bonus this week, we’ve added a video of Heidi Montagfreestyling on TRL yesterday. It’s almost as horrific as her new clothing line, which should tell you a lot.
Haiku #1: Speidi
Heidi is SO mad.
Like really f*cking mad, you guys.
Where’s the camera?
Haiku #2: People’s Revolution
Kelly Cutrone can
take her job offer and shove it-
I mean, I accept!
Haiku #3:Girls Night
Audrina’s deep thoughts:
Yeah, like, me too, I know, yeah,
Me too! Totally.
Every week we re-cap Monday night’s Hills episodes with a series of haiku poems about the shows. Short skirts, shorter poems - Audrina approved! Add your own masterpieces in the comments section below.
Haiku #1
Kelly Cutrone is
the HBIC. She scares
the sh*t out of me.
Haiku #2
Really Heidi? You
curled your hair to get your mirror?
High maintenance! Obvs.
Haiku #3
She-Pratt looks pretty
But way too skinny. She’s right -
Spencer, get a job!
Each week we’ll be recapping the most recent episode(s) of The Hills with haiku poems. Peep our work and then drop your own piece in our comments section. Trust us - The Hills is much easier to swallow in small bites!
Haiku #1
She-Pratt has it all -
Bad fashion taste, bad brother.
No wonder she’s mean.
Haiku #2
Why won’t you hug me?
Straight up truth: Brody Jenner smells
like desperation.
Haiku #3
Fake? Real? We can’t tell.
Heidi’s robot eyes can’t cry.
Is Whit’s job a sham?
Haiku #4
Lo. Sweet, skanky Lo.
You deserve your own show, girl.
We love all your ish.
Rejoice! The end might be near for Spencer and Heidi’s fraud-lationship! The couple was apparently in Vegas this week, yet while they traveled there together they slept far far apart. Heidi hit up the Palazzo for slumber, while Spencer terrorized the Hard Rock. A rep confirmed their time apart, saying, “Yes it is true. They are working on their relationship … They were there filming The Hills.”
Wait. Could this all just be a stunt to make the show juicier? We’d certainly tune in to watch these two officially end it, but we want the demise of their relationship to be real! We’d argue that Heidi deserves better, but we’re not even sure we believe that claim. [People]
The Hills began the second half of their third season last night, with the usual fanfare and slinky dresses. Since the bulk of the show involves blank stares and uneaten lunches, we’ve decided to honor the few moments of reality gold left in each ep with haiku recaps of the show. Because everything Lauren, Whitney, Audrina, and the Heid-monster do can totally be narrowed down to 5, 7 and 5 syllables.
It might totally help the mood to read our poem-caps with Heidi’s latest single “No More” playing in the background. Robots have never sounded so good! Novices may think this new jam is about Spencer (whose advice column just launched today), but we totally think the track is talking about her failed relationship with Lauren. She definitely made Heidi scared to open up!
Haiku #1
Oh my god, like wow.
Seriously, oh my god.
We’re in France, bitches!
Haiku #2
Who skis in make-up?
Spencer’s dream woman, obvi.
Go get her, tiger!
The Hills is back on MTV in less than two weeks (set those tivos for March 24th), and the girls have been keeping busy in various drama-filled ways, obviously. Lauren, Lo and Audrina are all moved in to their mansion-sized bachelorette pad, which means all the fighting crying and hook-ups can now neatly be contained in one space! Valley girl Audrina is set to appear with the Pussycat Dolls (just like the pic above, natch) to celebrate the show’s new season, Lauren made up with enemy Kristin Cavallari and even invited the valley girl to her fashion week debut last night! Awww, our little bitches are all grown up. And speaking of women with attitudes, we especially enjoyed this Hills sneak peak at Heidi and her mom ganging up on Spencer when he apparently surprises her in Colorado.
The ladies of The Hills may be all grown up, but the drama remains the same. You can take a hot, popular girl out of high school, but you can’t take the high school out of the hot, popular girl! Thank god.
We just listened to the worst song ever created by humans, and want to share it with your precious ears. Listen to it here, but be warned, it is atrocious. But that’s also what makes it so effing enjoyable. The offenders? Heidi Montag and Britney mother-effing Spears! The song - which debuted this morning on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show - is a duet between the two blonds, who sing some sort of garbage about a dude who deserves dumping. But Perez Hilton is reporting that while both ladies technically sing on the track, Britney never authorized the song’s release and knew nothing about it! His source says, “Heidi and Spencer got their hands on an old demo recording of Britney’s that never made it onto any of her albums…They decided to turn it into a duet instead of having Heidi re-record the song with just her vocals because they knew they’d get more press this way.”
There goes poor Brit, gettin’ used again. But we think this song is kind of a good thing for our troubled starlet, because compared to the tone-deaf Montag, she sounds AMAZING.
Whew! We can all rest easy now, friends. Spencer Pratt, the music-producing, reality show-starring virtuoso has come out against claims that he was getting calf implants to remedy his scrawny legs. “It is so incredibly not true,” Pratt said, putting all our worried hearts at ease. We’ve never seen his legs before (we’re too busy starring into his sea-blue eyes when we watch The Hills), but surely they don’t need any help in the hot n’ bulky calf department. Look who we’re talking about here - he’s People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 2009 (if we had any say)! Now that this is all water under the bridge, dear Spencer can get back to the important things in his life: traumatizing women on The Hills (including his girlfriend). Here’s hoping that he wears shorts more often on the show’s upcoming season. Show us some leg, Spence!
Haven’t you missed watching Lauren and Audrina stare at each other while they down cocktails/avoid carbs/workout? We sure have! The Hills is our greatest guilty pleasure that we still don’t quite get, and we’re anxiously awaiting it’s return to the small screen on March 24th. Luckily we’ve got this brand-new teaser to tie us over for the next month, and it’s gotten us all excited for what’s to come. Lauren is in Paris! Whitney is ready to quit her job at Teen Vogue! Brody has moved on with a new girlfriend! Ouch. As for Audrina, we can only assume she’s sitting on the couch in her apartment waiting for Lauren with a blank stare and a smile.
Noticeably absent from the video clip are bad seeds Spencer and Heidi, but never fear, they’ve been keeping very busy. On Valentine’s Day last week the pair hopped on a yacht, sipped champagne, chowed on chocolate-covered strawberries and recreated that “king of the world!” scene from Titanic, for all the world to see. Just your average couple gettin’ romantic, ya’ll! Heidi’s also hard at work at that album she’s been pimping for a while, and her BF claims it’s gonna be all sorts of awesome. “When people hear what we have in the bank, it’s gonna blow their minds,” Spencer gushed. “Madonna, eat your heart out. Britney Spears, eat your heart out.”
We’ll eat our heart out too, if it means we don’t have to listen. Please?
Whew! We can all rest easy now, friends. Spencer Pratt, the music-producing, reality show-starring virtuoso has come out against claims that he was getting 
