Tool Academy‘s resident therapist Trina Dolenz has spent the last several weeks answering questions from the show’s fans. This is her final column on VH1.com, but be sure to visit her on her own Website.
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Hi Trina, I would like to start out by letting you know I have recorded and watched all the shows since they began. My boyfriend of course thought it was stupid, and the show was putting thoughts in my head that he was a bad boyfriend. I have been with him going on 2 years, and we both have no idea where we honestly failed. To sum up all of our problems he thinks he is right and I think I am right.
For the first year and half of our relationship, we were great! Our friends envied us, and we were unbreakable. Yes, we did fight and have normal problems like every relationship, but we always worked through them. Then I got a job. My boss would take me and the other secretaries to lunch every day. My boyfriend did not like this, he did tell me several times, but I think I was just so caught up with our relationship being unbreakable that I did not listen to him when he was pretty much screaming to me that I was hurting him. Then we went on vacation for my 21st birthday; it was the worst vacation I have ever been on. We pretty much fought the whole vacation. A few weeks later we got in a huge fight where he said the worst things possible to me, things I did not know he even thought of about me. I was devastated, and he broke up with me that night. I did not want to stay at my house and cry myself to sleep; none of my friends were home or picked up when I called. Then my boss called me and asked if I wanted to come to his house, I went there and got extremely drunk and puked my guts out, so I had to spend the night there on his couch.
This mistake has destroyed my relationship because I do not know why but my boyfriend cannot let go of this mistake. He constantly brings it up and shoves it in my face. We have also had a lot more problems since then, and he has done some almost unforgivable mistakes to me, but I took him back. We agreed to work on things, but he is so angry and now I think I have made him crazy. I love him so much, but it is to the point now where I just can’t handle his insane, crazy, outbursts. Sometimes he will get mad at me for one thing, and then yell at me for my mistakes and we end up yelling about the mistakes all over again. I have screwed up, but he has done so many horrible things to me that I am to the point in our relationship that I feel that I should let him go because I just mentally cannot take it anymore.
A big difference between me and him is that I am a calm person and he is a loud person, and I feel he dwells on issues that should be let go. For some reason I just can’t bring up his mistakes to him or be stuck on them the way he has about mine. For the fact I did take him back, I forgave him and love him enough to not make him feel bad over and over for what he has done. He tells me he is sorry and it won’t happen again, but it ends up happening within a couple of days. So my question is, is it possible when somebody in a relationship makes a mistake to forgive them and let go and if you don’t, what then? He tells me he can let go, but his anger says something different. He calls me every name in the book, and I’m to the point now where I’m so use to it that my friends think I’m crazy for being with him and he treats me like crap. I guess my real question is, is it possible for us to workout our problems and be the couple we used to be? I would do anything to be that couple again. I cannot express to you how appreciative I am that you would take out your time to read this. I am in desperate need for your HELP! Thank you so much again, TH.
Dear TH, It’s such a shame that your relationship has broken down, after such a good start. You say that you have no idea where you failed, but I think you do. You describe that your lunch visits with your boss upset your boyfriend to the point that he was pretty much screaming to you that you were hurting him, you ignored him and this is where your unbreakable relationship broke. All relationships are fragile; they need care and attention to survive and to grow. This is a classic example of where they can start to go wrong. Many women do not listen to their man’s needs because, maybe, they are unfair, unrealistic, untrusting, constraining, or just not right. But it is very dangerous to ignore a partner’s fears, needs, and requests, and this is often where men start to cheat or withdraw. I am not saying you must give in, but rather that his fears must be understood and included in the relationship so that you face the world as a united couple.
He obviously has not forgiven you and his anger is showing that he is still hurt. Start your explorations with him around his pain and fears from the past and stay open and available to him so that he can try to truly get over the hurt he is still harboring, so that he can catch up with you and be able to move forward again with the relationship. Good luck, Trina.
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